This is a survival guide, of sorts!
In summary, I have right sided hemiplegia. It is a mild form of cerebral palsy. I was born with this disability. I have no use of my right hand and very limited dexterity of my fingers. The brain signals to control my right arm are not there. I get mixed messages in my brain, which cause my fingers to close rather than open. Dear reader, I dare say; if you had this, you would get mightily frustrated.
It is only after living with a condition like this your whole life that you learn to adapt. I have no choice. It won't get any better. I have to get on with it!
I've recently moved house and now live on my own. After years of asking fellow family members for help, suddenly, it is just me, myself and my left arm. I can't ask for help!
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In this first installment, let me talk about some of the challenges I occasionally face being totally one-handed. Shall we begin with a simple handshake? Hmm, maybe not!
In this first installment, let me talk about some of the challenges I occasionally face being totally one-handed. Shall we begin with a simple handshake? Hmm, maybe not!
Often, I don't have a choice with a handshake. All handshakes are rather annoyingly right handed. I am faced with a right hand from someone who wants to greet me. Their right hand is pointed in my direction, waiting to be shook. Now, my right hand will not go towards their right hand; clasp together firmly, shake and then let go. It just will not do that. I had horrid weekly physiotherapy sessions as a child where I practised this. I could never do it then, and I can never do it now.
So, what does one do in this situation? What would you do?
In my case, I try my own brand of "backward handshake". I don't want to refuse the handshake; I'll just go about it differently to everyone else. I am an expert at a "backward handshake". This is basically twisting your left hand around to shake their right hand. If I'm meeting someone for the first time; the look of horror etched on a person's face opposite is not too dissimilar to one from a protagonist in a Murder Mysteries' television drama.
To be honest, I wish there was another method of introduction. I just want this introductory nonsense to be over and done with. I've sometimes even apologised for not shaking hands properly: "Oh, I'm sorry"; "sorry!"; "ah, I can't do that, sorry". What am I apologising for? The fact I am unable to shake hands? Why aren't high fives more popular? I can do one of those!
Oh, and don't get me started on hugs. I'm completely rubbish at them. I think I should be known as "half a hug Rich!"
Awkward situations are all too common, and happen completely out of the blue. I had an odd moment in a pub not too long back, where I bought a round of drinks for some work colleagues. Now, you guys with two hands; you can probably carry two drinks, right? Or you can carry three if you're highly skilled. Or if you had a tray you could carry half a dozen. Me? Just the one.
So, think how I felt when I was at a work-do in a really busy pub where I went to the bar to buy a round of drinks and realised that no-one had come up with me to help. I had to walk back to the table carrying solely just the one drink at a time. I made four or five return journeys to the bar and back.
The group I was with idly chatted amongst themselves and no one batted an eyelid at me. I didn't say anything but I left the pub shortly afterwards. I wasn't going to go out with that gang again!
Also, if I'm holding a drink and meeting someone for the first time in a busy place, a handshake is entirely out of the question. Please don't offer to shake hands! I have actually had to bump elbows(!) before as a way of introducing myself. I naturally have wallflower tendencies; but the older I have become, the more I have realised that this is subconsciously intentional and totally essential to my requirements. I need to be near the edge of the room so that I can put my drink down if I need to on a window-sill or a table. As Jona Lewie once sang: "You will always find me by a window-ledge at parties".
Here's something which I don't think many people will understand, but I have to get this off my chest. I cannot stand buffets. Especially the kind of buffets where there is no spare room on the table for you to place your plate in front of the food so that you can serve. How am I supposed to dish up onto my plate otherwise? If there is no space, then it is virtually impossible for me. I must admit; at times I'd prefer to attempt to tackle Mount Everest, than attempt to tackle a buffet!
On occasions, I do stand out from the crowd. I was growled at by a huge bouncer in a queue outside a nightclub once; "Oi, mate, what's in your hand!?" How do you explain to a six foot six, sixteen stone bouncer that you have limited dexterity in your right arm and hand and are therefore unable to show the palm of your hand on request? (bearing in mind you are both shouting over booming dub-step coming from inside the club). I shouted back my answer: "I'm sorry, I don't have anything in my hand!! I'm sorry but I can't open my hand!!! I have a disability!!..." I don't know why I continue to apologise. He didn't hear my answer the first time. Fortunately, on the second occasion; after causing a huge stir in the queue and after I had totally cramped my style to the girl I fancied in the queue behind me; he waved me through. This is partly the reason why I don't like going to nightclubs that often. That, and the fact that there's usually not many window-sills to be able to rest your drink down on!
In a similar fashion and in somewhat bizarre circumstances a police officer stopped me once in my adapted motor car, and asked me what I was concealing in my right hand. "Can you show me what you've got in your right hand, Sir?" he asked. He was implying that I looked like I was up to no good and was trying to hide something. I'll never forget how much he apologised to me afterwards or how bright red his face went when I explained. He actually offered me a cup of tea from the nearby shop as a "goodwill gesture" (or possibly out of sheer embarrassment). I politely declined.
I bet all you two handed people haven't faced the above situations, have you?
Yet, no matter what I do; life unintentionally throws some new challenges my way. I may write more about this soon. Living one handed certainly does have it's fair share of interesting moments.
Finally, to any one-handed people who can associate with what I have written; be it about your angst towards buffet tables or the dilemma over backward handshakes; have a high five!
*high fives*
So, what does one do in this situation? What would you do?
In my case, I try my own brand of "backward handshake". I don't want to refuse the handshake; I'll just go about it differently to everyone else. I am an expert at a "backward handshake". This is basically twisting your left hand around to shake their right hand. If I'm meeting someone for the first time; the look of horror etched on a person's face opposite is not too dissimilar to one from a protagonist in a Murder Mysteries' television drama.
To be honest, I wish there was another method of introduction. I just want this introductory nonsense to be over and done with. I've sometimes even apologised for not shaking hands properly: "Oh, I'm sorry"; "sorry!"; "ah, I can't do that, sorry". What am I apologising for? The fact I am unable to shake hands? Why aren't high fives more popular? I can do one of those!
Oh, and don't get me started on hugs. I'm completely rubbish at them. I think I should be known as "half a hug Rich!"
Awkward situations are all too common, and happen completely out of the blue. I had an odd moment in a pub not too long back, where I bought a round of drinks for some work colleagues. Now, you guys with two hands; you can probably carry two drinks, right? Or you can carry three if you're highly skilled. Or if you had a tray you could carry half a dozen. Me? Just the one.
So, think how I felt when I was at a work-do in a really busy pub where I went to the bar to buy a round of drinks and realised that no-one had come up with me to help. I had to walk back to the table carrying solely just the one drink at a time. I made four or five return journeys to the bar and back.
The group I was with idly chatted amongst themselves and no one batted an eyelid at me. I didn't say anything but I left the pub shortly afterwards. I wasn't going to go out with that gang again!
Also, if I'm holding a drink and meeting someone for the first time in a busy place, a handshake is entirely out of the question. Please don't offer to shake hands! I have actually had to bump elbows(!) before as a way of introducing myself. I naturally have wallflower tendencies; but the older I have become, the more I have realised that this is subconsciously intentional and totally essential to my requirements. I need to be near the edge of the room so that I can put my drink down if I need to on a window-sill or a table. As Jona Lewie once sang: "You will always find me by a window-ledge at parties".
Here's something which I don't think many people will understand, but I have to get this off my chest. I cannot stand buffets. Especially the kind of buffets where there is no spare room on the table for you to place your plate in front of the food so that you can serve. How am I supposed to dish up onto my plate otherwise? If there is no space, then it is virtually impossible for me. I must admit; at times I'd prefer to attempt to tackle Mount Everest, than attempt to tackle a buffet!
On occasions, I do stand out from the crowd. I was growled at by a huge bouncer in a queue outside a nightclub once; "Oi, mate, what's in your hand!?" How do you explain to a six foot six, sixteen stone bouncer that you have limited dexterity in your right arm and hand and are therefore unable to show the palm of your hand on request? (bearing in mind you are both shouting over booming dub-step coming from inside the club). I shouted back my answer: "I'm sorry, I don't have anything in my hand!! I'm sorry but I can't open my hand!!! I have a disability!!..." I don't know why I continue to apologise. He didn't hear my answer the first time. Fortunately, on the second occasion; after causing a huge stir in the queue and after I had totally cramped my style to the girl I fancied in the queue behind me; he waved me through. This is partly the reason why I don't like going to nightclubs that often. That, and the fact that there's usually not many window-sills to be able to rest your drink down on!
In a similar fashion and in somewhat bizarre circumstances a police officer stopped me once in my adapted motor car, and asked me what I was concealing in my right hand. "Can you show me what you've got in your right hand, Sir?" he asked. He was implying that I looked like I was up to no good and was trying to hide something. I'll never forget how much he apologised to me afterwards or how bright red his face went when I explained. He actually offered me a cup of tea from the nearby shop as a "goodwill gesture" (or possibly out of sheer embarrassment). I politely declined.
I bet all you two handed people haven't faced the above situations, have you?
Yet, no matter what I do; life unintentionally throws some new challenges my way. I may write more about this soon. Living one handed certainly does have it's fair share of interesting moments.
Finally, to any one-handed people who can associate with what I have written; be it about your angst towards buffet tables or the dilemma over backward handshakes; have a high five!
*high fives*
I have left hemiplegia, and understand completely what you're talking about. I once offered people at work a cup of tea, then had to walk 5 times down 3 corridors. Needless to say I no longer offer.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant read, would love to read more like this x