Moving On

I'm struggling with something. It's the ability to move on. I can't. Or at least I'm trying but it doesn't seem to be happening.

This year has been mediocre, but not brilliant. I'll remember 2011 as a year where I've meddled and muddled my way through to December, getting to grips with the overhaul of changes in my life. I've smiled and laughed and purposefully made myself busy this year so as to have things to think about. I would say at times I was burning the candle at both ends. Escapism through seeing friends, going to a live show, exercise, taking on a college course, music, football, or even reading a good book were a great way of de-cluttering my wandering thoughts this year.

It's the times when I'm not busy, and when I'm not pre-occupied, which are the hardest. I just feel a pang, an ache, and knot in my stomach and that is my grief.

You see, my Mum passed away in October 2009. For the whole of that year I was at her bedside or was racing around to be beside her bedside in various hospitals while she was really poorly. She was diagnosed with stomach Cancer in February 2009 and seeing and being a real part of her sudden deterioration is a memory that will haunt and hurt me forever more.



I didn't really feel the grief of my Mum's loss until Spring this year. Up until that point I was numb and unable to communicate how I felt. Grief just hit me, when I realised I wouldn't see her again. I really desperately wanted to. I cried my eyes out good and proper.

This has occurred a lot more times throughout this past year. I don't share my feelings with many people, and I've realised that not many people actually truly know me. The one person who did know me, has now passed. I have to share my feelings with others in order for people to understand me better.

Counselling helped me massively. Before then I didn't talk about myself to anyone. I worried a great deal and thought more about other people. I did think that other people's feelings were more important than mine. I was lost. I have realised I have to put myself first. After all, I won't move on otherwise.

Alas, recently a new development has began to make me upset. My Dad found a new woman about six months ago on a dating website, and they've fallen head over heels in love with each other. It's the best thing that could have happened to Dad, but it has been like a knife to heart for me. I still live at home, and find their relationship increasingly awkward. They're really close. Unsettlingly close. Whenever his new love has visited to stay, I have wanted to run away and hide. In fact, I have done just that. She stayed the whole weekend a couple of times, and I've stayed at my Nan's house on both occasions. I have ran away, because that way I don't have to deal with it. I just can't see them together, or be in the same room as them, because it breaks my heart.

My Mum and Dad were close as a couple, and happily married since 1984. It was such a wonderful marriage; and we all knew how much they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Our family (Mum, Dad, Sis, myself) were the tightest knit quartet since the Beatles. So in losing Mum it shattered us all, especially my Dad. He really had some gloomy days, and we realised how much he couldn't be alone. He had to have company, and more specifically, a woman in his life. I just wish it was still with Mum.

I didn't meet Dad's new love until a month into their relationship. They were holding hands the first time I saw them. I looked away. I just couldn't take it. I feigned a nice "hello" and "how are you?" but I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.

It was as if Dad was betraying Mum. Of course I knew in my mind not to be so silly, but I couldn't help those crazy thoughts.

A week later, we had dinner as a foursome (Dad, Sis, her and myself) and at the table she sat in the seat opposite me, in front of the most beautiful picture on the Wall of my Mum. She was effectively blocking my view of Mum, and she was also sat in her seat. That mental image hurt so much, my belly twisted in knots and I couldn't eat the food.

They're just too close, but I've got to be happy for Dad's sake. This is my strife because I can't at the moment. He is a fantastic man, and he deserves happiness, but I just feel this relationship is so soon and sudden after the loss. But of course, it's not my life or my relationship. She is such a lovely woman too, but when I see her it's as if there's a veil of Mum across her that is blinkering my view. I know she is not replacing Mum, but it darn near feels like it currently.

I suppose the real truth is I am still living like my Mum will walk in through the door one day and everything will be OK. I am carrying on like that, and really want that last sentence to happen. It won't of course. Two weeks ago was Mum's birthday, and I wrote her a card, crying my eyes out in the process. I also wrote an Anniversary Card too recently, putting it on the kitchen side and subtly hinting to my Dad of how I felt about things. I don't do feelings with my Dad. It felt OK to write these cards, and I felt much better afterwards.

My Nan, my Aunt and my little Sister are the three people I can confide in at the moment, and all have told me to be confident and brave. I'm really going to have to. My friends, work colleagues and my football mates are great, but I won't talk much about what I've said above with them, because they're my distraction from the above, if that make sense. This also harks back to the point about keeping myself busy; which is, if I'm honest totally on purpose.

This Christmas, like the previous two, will again be tough and unnatural without Mum. She has played such a big role in my life how can I forget her? I am going to surround myself with family on the two Christmassy days, but her missing personality; her being the life and soul of the party will again twist my belly in knots.

My Aunty (Mum's elder Sister) is hosting us for dinner on Christmas Day, so the tough and unnatural loss feelings will be the same for her and her family. At the table we will probably even set a plate and raise a glass in Mum's honour. A huge Aunty hug on Christmas Day will be the perfect present for me.

Move on? I'm doing my best. I really am. I smile lots, and hope that my smiles are returned because cheerfulness and being upbeat is my way of dealing with loss. Sometimes I might not be so smiley, and that's when the above thoughts and feelings tend to be felt.

Grief Street is a longer, more arduous road than I expected, and this year it suddenly became quite hilly. Going into the New Year, I hope there's an easier downhill section soon. Will there be?

Finally to Mum, if you're reading this; ultimately this year I realised how much I darn well loved you. Merry Christmas. xxx

Albums of the Year 2011

Here's four new albums that I think have been pretty fantastic this year.

Metronomy- English Riviera
As I may have discussed in an earlier blog entry, Metronomy really rocked the boat this year with this album. From start to finish a true jaunty masterpiece; I find it difficult to explain without actually playing. I picked up this album in the shop almost by accident, but it became a real favourite. Tracks like Some Written and Corinne are unbeatable.

Everything Everything- Man Alive
OK, not strictly 2011, but this was out in late 2010 and was playing in my car well into the early echelons of this year. I think this might be my "most played album but still haven't got the foggiest idea of what they're singing about" award. I have learnt all the lyrics to Schoolin' and to Final Form; two highlights on a masterpiece of a debut album.

Feist- Metals
Didn't know this album that well, until I saw Leslie Feist live. When I saw her the tracks on this album danced to life. Graveyard will send shivers up your spine, and How Come You Never Go There is such an adorable record. Also, towards the end there's a hidden gem in the beautiful chords of Anti-Pioneer.

Elbow- Build a Rocket Boys
Just simply a cracking album. The opener The Birds is quite simply stunning. With many highs and lows it waltzes along and enthuses the listener to stay with it. Ending with tracks such as Open Arms and Dear Friends is the cherry on the icing.

All the above albums have been rotating in my car for the past twelve months. I now have placed them carefully away to preserve their goodness. Alas, I will never know the correct lyrics to Qwerty Finger by Everything Everything.

Here's to more musical goodness in 2012.

One Better Day- Madness.

Arlington House
Address no fixed abode
An old man in a three-piece suite
Sits in the road
He stares across the water
And sees right through the lock
But on and up like outstretched hands
His mumbled words, his fumbled words

Further down there's a photo booth
A million plastic bags
And an old woman filling out
A million baggage tags
But when she get thrown out
Three bags at a time
She spies the old chap in the road
To share her bags with, she has bags of time

Surrounded by his past
On a short white line
He sits while cars pass
Either side
Takes his time
Trying to remember
One better day
A while ago when people stopped
To hear him say

Walking 'round you sometimes
Hear the sunshine
Beating down in time with the
Rhythm of your shoes

Now she has walked
Enough through rainy town
She rests her back against his
And sits down
She's trying to remember
One better day
Awhile ago when people stopped
To hear her say

Walking 'round you sometimes
Hear the sunshine
Beating down in time with the
Rhythm of your shoes

Walking 'round you sometimes
Hear the sunshine
Beating down in time with the
Rhythm of your shoes

The feeling of arriving
When you've nothing left to lose

Arctic Monkeys

The 02 Arena, packed to the rafters! I should know, as I was sat next to a rafter, (not Pat!) and one of God's best mates. We were that high up!

The boom when theey hit that first note...wow! The crowd standing miles below moved and swayed instantly, and this gig was a-rocking!

They played a range of tracks across their four albums, everything from Still Take You Home through to Brick by Brick. What struck me was how heavy the sound was. This is the Arctic Monkeys at their highest point, their zenith. This was a privilege to see them.

They chose their set carefully, but Brianstorm followed by I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor was too much for everyone. Even us, suffering from severe vertigo next to the bats on the roof were bopping about while looking down on the four piece.

Alex Turner had a stance, and swayed backwards and forwards. His demeanour suggested that he was happy to be playing such a venue, and you could tell they were all on top form. The drums were just excellent. This was so powerful, and mighty.

A great show.

(written in 10 minutes).

Alphabet Story!

Anna Aardvark announced an amazing afternoon activity. Brilliantly beaming, Barnaby Bear baked bread. Carefully, cut. Delicious delights. Everyone enjoyed eating. Fantastically full, friends flounced flat fully. Good golly! How hungry?!"

Immediately in jumped Koala Kathryn! "Look, mmmm, nom nom nom, OOH!" Opening, playing, pressing paws, rummaging, scoffing, savouring, she took time tucking 'to the tasty treats! "umm- vanished!" wailed 'xcitedly! "Yahoo!" yawned zonked and amazed Anna Aardvark. Barnaby Bear could dare eat further food. "Gone! Hurrah!"

1982 story

Now follows a little short story containing the song titles of every number one single from 1982. Hope you enjoy!








The following songs are contained below!

Renee and Renato. Save Your Love.
The Jam. Beat Surrender.
Eddy Grant. I Dont Wanna Dance.
Culture Club. Do You Really Want To Hurt Me
Musical Youth. Pass The Dutchie.
Survivor. Eye Of The Tiger.
Dexys Midnight Runners. Come On Eileen.
Irene Cara. Fame.
Captain Sensible. Happy Talk.
Charlene. I’ve Never Been To Me.
Adam Ant. Goody Two Shoes.
Madness. House Of Fun.
Nicole. A Little Peace.
Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder. Ebony and Ivory
Bucks Fizz. My Camera Never Lies.
The Goombay Dance Band. Seven Tears.
Tight Fit. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
The Jam. A Town Called Malice.
Kraftwerk. The Model.
Shakin Stevens. Oh Julie.
Bucks Fizz. Land Of Make Believe.

The party was in full swing. It was a real house of fun, love and laughter. There was much happy talk between guests, and plenty of people were discussing how beautiful the day was and were getting to know each other. The new husband and wife, Jim and Julie were pleased with the results. They had been apart the whole night, entertaining various guests and mingling amongst the crowd. Jim sidled up to his wife; "...how have you found today darl? We've been here since seven. Tears of joy have been shed over past memories, have you enjoyed yourself?"

Julie answered, "It's been a fabulous night darling. I've enjoyed it so much.". They had managed to scrimp through the past six months, and put all their money aside to make this wedding happen. Oh how they did save. "Your Love means everything to me, Jim", she finally blurted out, making Jim blush in front of the other guests, including Julie's sister Liesa, who winked at Julie.

"Oh shush!" said Jim, secretly delighted.

In the Wedding Hall at the mansion house there were about fifty guests, of old friends and family and there were new faces too. One face stood out from the crowd. He was a young man, with no need to be down, and had travelled up for the day from his base in London Town. Called Mali (certainly that was his nickname) he was a tall and broad fellow, and he'd been standing at the bar all evening, with eyes switching left and right. You could argue that he had the eye of the tiger, as he surveyed the scene. He stood coolly, sipping his drink.

As the music changed pace it cut into the opening bars of Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?". There was a slight change in atmosphere and a little peace. Jim realised that this would be a good opportunity for photos. He approached his shy Sister in law, Liesa to ask her a question. Suddenly he exclaimed "Oh no I forgot to book the man to take pictures with my camera" "Never!!" Liesa replied.

Julie eavesdropped, and spoke up. "Relax! Remember we booked an official photographer! You see that man over there....." Liesa looked around, and looked directly in the eyes of Mali, who immediately looked back. He softened his gaze as they made eye contact. Time stood still, and the moment of eye contant lingered. Liesa and Mali stood motionless while all other drifted along to the disco atmosphere, tunes and the endless beat. Surrendered to each other's glances, they slowly took their time to take in all aspects of each other's face.

Mali noticed her fine cheekbones and delicious eyes, and was in awe of her beauty. Liesa admired his features, then spread her vision further, and judged him to be strong as an ox, capable of living where the lion sleeps. "Tonight", Liesa thought to herself, "I will get to know that man a little better".

Cutting in, Julie brought them both back from their trip to the land of make believe. They immediately cut sort their gazes, and terminated their little staring session.

".....If you see that tall Dutchman over there, Mali? Well, next to him on the bar is a camera". Julie knew what she was intending for her Sister. "If you pass the Dutch..." (ie. making her come into close proximity with) "...man you'll see that's his camera. Ask him to pop over" Liesa wriggled uncomfortably.

She knew this was a big moment for her. "Mali often takes portrait photos, maybe he could shoot you; you're very photogenic. You should ask him what he thinks of you; you could be the Model for him! He's come up especially from London to shoot this Reception party. Ask him for a dance! I dare you!"

Liesa's eyes danced between Julie and Mali. "Oh, Julie, but what if he says "I don't wanna dance"?" worried Liesa. "Well, you'll just have to ask him! You have to be brave!" offered Julie in reply. At that precise moment she put one foot forward the music changed, and now there was some lovely piano chords tinkling away; ebony and ivory making the room instantly sway.

Jim grabbed Julie by the arm, and whirled her around. "Ooh, goody!" Two shoes left the floor as Julie was picked up by her husband. "I love you" she cried as she was whirled around and onto the dancefloor. This was their song, a track they both loved and adored and it enabled them to become one. "I leaned over backwards to get you as my Wife, Julie." He whispered as they swayed, all faces but two on them in the room. Julie beamed.

At the back of the Hall the two faces looked at each other again, Liesa shuffled over to the bar, nervously. "Hi Mali" were the only words she could muster. "Hi there" was the retort from Mali. He seemed cool to Liesa. "I hear you're the photographer, and you're from Holland?" she asked Mali, tentatively. "Yes, I am" said Mali.

Liesa responded, "I've never been". "To me you are fantastic!" interrupted Mali.

"You should visit Holland one day. You look like a filmstar", Mali crudely added. The awkwardness and the breathlessness of his reply made Liesa smile. She instantly relaxed.

"Oh, really!" Liesa reacted; fishing for more compliments. "I'd never want the fame. I'm shy enough approaching a gorgeous man at a Wedding Reception, how would I feel if I was on camera?"

They both giggled. Mali beamed and looked on at the married couple sashaying across the dancefloor. "I'd love to have a day like this myself one day" Mali whispered. Liesa's nodded, "so would I" said Liesa, wrinkling her nose.

"Fancy a dance?".

Metronomy- Royal Albert Hall Live

I'm not sure why I am such a fan of Metronomy. There's a secret ingredient there that makes their music completely absorbing and exciting; it's possible Colonel Sanders is involved.

You cannot help but move to the music; my Sister and I tried to describe which genre they fit into. "Plinky plonky electronic uplifting and happy dance rock indie" is possibly the only category it does. There's a certain uniqueness which makes them stand out, and dance along.

Now, I'm talking from a biased standpoint. When their most recent album "The English Riviera" came out earlier this year, I purchased it (completely on a whim following a recommendation) and played it every day for a month constantly. It wasn't even my first choice album to buy; I went in the record shop intially to buy a Kate Bush record (which funnily enough I've hardly played).

On Monday night this week, I got to see the band live for the first time. This show was at the Royal Albert Hall, a huge circular venue with an awesome surround sound. This is a band who has been on the periphery of the music world, (and still is) taking on one of the most famous venues there are. I know several people have gone "who?!" whenever I mention them. And I always struggle to come up with a definitive answer; hence the "plinky plonky electronic uplifting and happy dance rock indie" description!

A quartet of instrumentalists; including the pan-pipes, the flute and a fella looking like he was playing the "balsa wood" opened proceedings. I saw many heads turn to one another questioning what on earth ws going on! They subsequently left the stage after two tracks, to a slightly baffled audience. When the real four piece band actually walked on, the crowd were on the edge of their seats. I always say that anticipation of act is one of the best things in live shows, there's always a hubbub and buzz before the arrival. The unusual and intriguing quartet made the wait for Metronomy even better.

The main act arrived with little fuss, although the set did seem a little bizarre to begin with; then I realised why; everyone was sat down! Now, you cannot sit down at a Metronomy gig, so with a bit of Dutch Courage I decided to stand; right in the middle of the crowd in row 8 of the stalls. Fortunately as soon as I did; during the kicking beat of the third track in the set, "She Wants", so did everyone else.

The sound was so interesting and with addictive bassline riffs, organ hooks and with Anna Prior's drumbeats it enraptured the audience. Metronomy is a light show too, each band member illuminated by a bright bulb on their chest. This rather adds to the effect of the music, and I noticed the lights moved in time with the chords. They did go back in time with earlier tracks such as "My Heart Rate Rapid" and "You Could Easily Have Me"; two tracks that seemed so out of place and wrong for the Royal Albert Hall, but equally absolutely compelling.

I would say that I did think the four piece are a little stretched with their resources throughout the show. It appeared that they possibly needed a couple of backing singers, because lead singer Joseph Mount and bassist Gbenga Adelekan seemed so overworked vocally during some of the more intricate tracks, especially during Corinne.

However, you have to give them credit for rocking the 'Hall throughout. I don't think I had two feet on the floor at the same time. "A Thing For You" and "Heartbreaker" were expertly done live, and I was completely lost in the rhythm. Crowd favourite "The Look" was played with Oscar Cash arriving onto stage on a wheeled platform playing the organ, and it was executed splendidly. Finishing off their set with the gloriously uplifting "Some Written", with its repetitive ditty, the crowd bayed for more.

They returned with the encore of "Everything Goes My Way", and "Radio Ladio" which I have had as an earworm ever since. If you play Radio Ladio, you cannot help but move along- I dare you try it!

It was everything I had hoped for as a gig, and as I left the venue I was on a musical high. The endorphin rush I had after this show was unlike any other.

I highly recommend them; if I was a Doctor I'd prescribe a daily dose of Metronomy to make you feel good. Go and see them live!

Favourite songs with my footnotes *presses play*

Good day.

Here are twenty four songs that I absolutely love. Twenty four, because I turn twenty four this Wednesday. I've made sure there is a different artist for each song; that was really tricky to choose. This is a very rough draft, but the notes after each song are the first thoughts that pop into my head when it starts playing!

*presses play on favourites playlist*

Mother and Child Reunion- Paul Simon
I first heard this song when I was tiny, but only realised it's meaning after my Mum passed. I think I've said enough there for you to understand how much of a wonderful thing this song means to me. So upbeat and euphoric.

Return of the Las Palmas 7- Madness

A joyous instrumental, which rises and falls tremendously.

I am a Madness-a-holic, and have been since day one. This one is a more obscure track, but still wonderfully crafted. One of my favourite instrumental pieces of music; when the curtains close on my life I want this song to be played. Could have picked a dozen Madness tracks though.

A Message to You Rudy- Dandy Livingstone

Just reminds me of happy times. I only knew of the Specials version for a long time; then discovered the original. The tempo and beat in this is just sublime, I can listen to it over and over.

Kingdom of Rust- Doves

A wide of the mark choice, but Doves are one of the most highly underrated bands ever. Such poignant records, with great understanding and feeling. This song came out around the time of my Mum's passing, hence why I adore this tune so much.

54-46 That's my Number- Toots and the Maytals

Oh, well of course. This is reggae at it's finest. It is just the happiest song in the world. "Give it to me one time!! Give it to me, two times!!" I adore the record, and have been known to bounce along to it.

This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)- Talking Heads
When I first heard this record it washed over me, but with all Talking Heads it grew and grew. Such fabulous words in this record. Can't help but sway and move.

Golden Brown- Stranglers

Possibly a song that would be in everyone's top 24? Wonderful track, the subject matter we need not discuss. The crafted tune, oh yes! One of my Dad's favourites too. Reminds me of him.

It's my Life- Talk Talk
A track that for some reason strikes a chord with me. The video perhaps? Also, No Doubt (featuring Gwen Stefani, featuring later!) did a cover version, but like all I grew to love the original.

Once Around the Block- Badly Drawn Boy

I'm not sure why I like Badly. I just really do; I have all his records. This track is one of his finest, and is a fine little ditty.

Love and Affection- Joan Armatrading

"I'm not in love, but I'm open to persuasion!" a line that rings so true for me! I love Joan, this song with the backing vocals, the acoustic guitar and the bass is just so amazing. "...give me love-oh ooohhh!"

My Moon My Man- Feist

Just here simply because I love her voice. This song is one of my favourites of hers.

Cool for Cats-Squeeze

One of the first songs that I really really liked. It was on an old Top of the Pops compilation tape that I watched when I was little. I just remembered the lyrics and it's possibly the only song I'd be able to do on karaoke! Also, the way it funkily ends is again, magnificent. I love it!

The Harder They Come- Jimmy Cliff

I only knew of this track because of the cover version by Madness. Then, like Rudy and It's my Life, I heard the original. Just inspiring lyrics; a fine record.

Geno- Dexy's Midnight Runners

It's just very ska, very danceable and very very good. I'm sure you're unable to wail "whoah Geno!!" during this. A tribute to Geno Washington.

First Love- The Maccabees (actually torn between this and Latchmere, can you blame me!)

Reminds me so much of my teenage years. I love how delicate this song is, and also how indie and awkward it almost sounds too. It is quite awesome. "Are you cooooooool?" I nearly picked Latchmere and could have gone for Can You Give It, too. However, this was the first song I heard by the Maccabees and I still dance around like a lunatic when I hear it.

Hedonism (Just because you feel Good)- Skunk Anansie

There is atmosphere in this track and you can hear the different layers. There is an awesome bass, and an excellent chorus. It's a bitter song, "I wonder what you're doing now? I hope you're feeling happy now." It sounds almost sarcastic. Skin, singing, has such a wonderful voice. "Does laughter still discover you?" an intriguing lyric.

Farewell to the Fairground- White Lies

Of all the new(ish) bands, these are my favourite. Drums, an epic chorus, epic guitars and just proper rock. I saw these live and they blew me away!

Time- Pink Floyd

What can I say? I shan't say anything. This track speaks for itself.

Loneliness of the Tower Crane Driver- Elbow

This song is just so perfect. The chords, the lyrics, the rise and fall is just fantastic. Hairs always stand up when I hear this song, and it never tires. Wonderful live.

Pass it On- Coral

A track that means a lot to me. My Mum told me she thought of me when she heard this record, and now subsequently I think of her. Jingly jangly, and quite a quaint little ditty; it just is perfect. Just too short perhaps!

No One Knows- Queens of the Stone Age

Oh yes! You go from the quaint and quiet to the awesome epicness of this. I remember this track so well. It reminds me of being fourteen and without a clue of what the world would hold for me. I still don't.

Someday- The Strokes

This was when I had a rock phase. 'Is this It' was one of the first albums that I ever brought with my own money. This song is track five and it just lights up your radio player.

Don't Speak- No Doubt

I have to pick this record. I love Gwen Stefani, and thinking about it, she may well have been my first crush! This song is such a fab tune. Can't really say more than that!

House of the Rising Sun- The Animals

It's a track you forget about from time to time, because it is such a classic. But, my oh my, this is top class. Listen to this, at full pelt, in your car, in the bath, in your bedroom and you will be filled with joy. Eric Burdon's voice rattles along here, and I think that is what gives it such a definite edge. Also, the organ solo is the greatest ever organ solo that I can think of. Footstomper!

*presses stop*

Those are twenty four. If ever I end up on a desert island I want those tracks to be sent with an indefinite battery on a MP3 in a bottle to me. And some headphones or a loudyspeakery thing, but then I'd need mains power.

I digress! I must admit I could easily replace those with another twenty four!

Hope you enjoyed!

The sheep were cheering me on...

I think I should tell you a bit more about my training that I'm doing. (Warning: this may be a boring blog entry so I'm trying to make it sound really exciting!).

I've been given a training program to adhere to in order to improve my fitness, strength and conditioning in agreement with the England coaches at football. So, from time to time, I like to do something that is a bit different from the normal 5 a side!

On Tuesday evening I went hill running on a hill near Ivinghoe Beacon on the Beds/Bucks/Herts border. I've read articles online about how hill running can improve your speed and stamina in sport and I honestly believe that it does.

The hill (pictured) is as steep as it looks. It is like the travelator in Gladiators except fortunately the grass doesn't run towards you. By the way, I'm not wearing the Gladiators get-up (blue/red vest, helmet, mouth protector) while I'm doing this- just shorts, T-shirt, football socks and a good pair of trainers. The only thing that can injure me is the pesky rabbit warrens that are all over the side of the hill.

There is something inspiring in running up a hill too, its like you're the King of the Hill! It is also completely exhausting. You sprint to

the top, then walk back down, then sprint the top again! Its as simple as that! It up to you how many times you want to do it.

Also, there was absolutely no one about last night. I was running up and down the hill and the only eyes on me were the sheep in the farmers field. They were cheering me on.

I have another trick to pulling myself up the hill. As I'm listening to my iPod while running, I wait until there's a good bit in a song that I like. For example I waited forever until I started sprinting up the hill to the crescendo in The Chain by Fleetwood Mac! Sprinting up to a chorus or a guitar solo is the only way I can get to the top.

Quite appropriately "Road to Nowhere" by Talking Heads started playing, as did "Running Up that Hill" by Kate Bush. Perfect songs for the environment I was in.

The strange thing is, after you've sprinted up a hill a dozen times, then try and do more sprints, you just find it so difficult. My legs were like lead weights at the end.

I can move this morning, but muscles that you don't really use when running flat have been worked, like my gluteus maximus! (aka my bum muscles!). Also, I hope that I will be faster when sprinting on flat football pitches!

I was on the side of the hill for about an hour and fifteen minutes. The sheep did get bored (I could tell as they stopped clapping after a few runs), so I was so grateful to my iPod after a while to inspire me to sprint more!

Did I also tell you that its a fantastic way to get away from it all? I'd had a busy day at work, and that session was completely fantastic to forget about everything. There was also beautiful scenery and animals aplenty (hold on a second- I'm turning into Julie Andrews!)

I think I'd better leave it there! I'll post more training updates soon...

I don't want to go home.

I just don't want to go home.

You see, it's feeling less and less like home. I feel like an intruder to as place that I don't recognise any more. Home, the family home, isn't where I want to be any more. I can't wait to escape, and fly the nest.

It'll happen soon, but it can't happens soon enough.

My family has changed. Really changed. I can't recognise the family any more. The memories of my Mum are driving me mad. I'm almost claustophobic with grief when I go home. I feel her presence. She's there at all times, yet I turn around and she's not there.

There's a new person at home. Someone who I don't recognise, someone who I don't particularly like, someone who is just differnt from the last person. I don't want to do the same things as we did before.

I can't move on.

We're supposed to be having a barbecue at the weekend. Dad, my Sis, my Sis's boyfriend and Dad's girlfriend. I don't wish to attend. I won't attend. Yet, it is my home. The place where I'll be welcome to join and eat. I want to be as far away as possible from the joviality. This isn't normal behaviour is it?

I need to start again. A new place, a new me. It'll be worth it won't it?

For the time being, I'll continue avoiding any sort of family occasion.

Suggs live

I went to see Suggs on Sunday evening at the Milton Keynes Theatre. The lead singer of Madness (real name Graham McPherson) was performing a one man show in front of a half packed arena in Buckinghamshire.

Now, usually Suggsy is backed by six other members of the 80s band; but on this occasion he was backed solely by a pianist on a Grand Piano. This show was all about Suggs and the story of Madness. For any Madness fan, this was a must see. McPherson, wearing a smart grey suit, stood and talked about the rise and fall of the band and his life; he looked like he really enjoyed the night. He did occasionally forget his lines, but this was where he treated us to the One Step Beyond style dance while he got his composure back (akin to the famous album cover stance, right).

The thing that amazed me most was Suggsy's manner in which he addressed the audience and his ability to fill the stage entirely. He was always trying to keep moving, and of course your eye followed him. The audience were hanging onto every word that he said; and I was enraptured. I've heard stories of how Madness got together; but not from the lead singer of the band before. As a fan this was a real privilege.

It was a unique take on his life, how he tries to find his missing father, and without giving too much away, at times it was quite sentimental and emotional. There are various amusing anecdotes, like how the band fooled The Clash into thinking they were policemen, or the story about Madness causing a minor earthquake at their 1992 reunion. It is littered with stories and funny tales how the seven members of the band took on the world. Some stories are mad, (not Madness without a funny story!) and showcase how crazy it may have been in those days.

I must add it is interesting to note how Suggs quickly brushes over the unhappy times in his life. The final years of Madness post keyboardist Mike Barson's departure were only documented by a few words in this show.

It isn't Suggs without songs, and of course he delved into the back catalogue, singing stripped down versions of Baggy Trousers, Shut Up and It Must Be Love. There was also room for Lola and Cecilia, plus a wonderful take on See You Later Alligator (he did sing a version of this on the highly underrated film Take It Or Leave It). The songs were interspersed throughout the show, usually referencing what he was talking about.

A slight criticism from me would be that there wasn't enough songs. I would love to see him try a live version of a forgotten classic like Yesterday's Men or One Better Day with just a piano; as those tracks don't fit in Madness' live sets these days.

However with just the piano to accompany him, the tracks that you do get are quite something to take in. Usually at a Madness gig I'm usually bopping away, so to sit and relax and revel in the joy that these songs bring is absolutely fantastic.

I left the theatre thinking how much I actually idolised Suggs (and Madness) and how much of an impact they have had on me throughout my life. This is a top show, from a top man. Then again, I might be biased. Go and see it!

So I'm there

So I'm there, charging around with a juggernaut brow. The whole day I've been rushing, what can be the perfect antidote for a relaxed evening's entertainment?

That's right, Elbow. On entering the 02 Arena you can feel the anticipation. You're met by the dangling lights and pictures of the five piece band behind the stage. There is not a centimetre of available floor space that I can see. Seated and with my neck craned slightly to the left in the lower tier (Row V), I am with my Old Man and my L'il Sis. The demographic is mixed, old and young alike are fans, "Everyone's here".

Magically the band leaves the pictures and enters the stage to rapturous applause. They kick off with Birds, the first song on the new album, and with a fabulous walking beat throughout that has you hooked. Even my Dad (who only knows the hits!) is tapping along. The sound is superb.

We are truly off and running, Lippy Kids is marvellous. "We shouldn't be afraid of our young, we should nurture them" states Garvey as an intro, almost as if delivering a sermon. Typically, the audience cheers!

The Bones of You instantly reminds me of my Mum, so I'm holding back tears as Guy swoons through the lyrics, some are so poignant and close to home that often you are transfixed on Guy's stance, especially during the slower tracks like Mirrorball. He rocks backward and forward like a darts player, delivering the words.

A special nod must go to Garvey's crowd interaction. He is so warm towards the audience, and you can tell he absolutely revels in it. He constantly shifts his position and must have shaken every hand surrounding the smaller stage. Guy thanked Block 142 Row U for their support, the furthest people away in the venue. A standing ovation for them from the crowd followed. Also, his relationship with the other members means that you almost want to be in Elbow. I've never been to a concert where the band treats themselves to a half-time gig cocktail either.

Great Expectations, Grounds For Divorce and the beautiful Tower Crane Driver step the gig up into overdrive. My Sis turns and nods at me knowing this is our favourite Elbow song. I have goosebumps as Guy wails "Send up a prayer in my name.." with the terrific key change.

They do the intimate songs well. This is a massive arena, but they still manage to pull it off. The Night Will Always Win, with the four band members huddled over four keyboards and Guy singing is so haunting. You contrast that to the smashing, jangling Neat Little Rows and you'd be forgiven if you thought a different band had walked on stage. My Dad tapped along as a vast rate of knots for that one! They bow out once with Open Arms, then the inevitable encore One Day Like This concludes the show. A glorious finale.

That sums Elbow up for me, just like the body part it's just out of reach to actually define. Some of their songs are anthemic, some are joyous, some are melancholy, some you can join in with, some are slightly odd, some are beautiful. What is certainly true is that all songs are highly addictive.

Then again, I might be slightly biased!

Show some emotion

So yes, I'm, er.. how can I put this without sounding all too sad? I'm missing my Mum.

I'm not the best at conveying my emotions and I tend to be quite reserved in my opinions. One of my Twitter pals encouraged me to "chuck out my chintz"; so that's what I'm doing.

My Mum. She's in my head, my heart and my soul, but she's just not there any more. In front of me. I feel empty without her. This feeling of emptiness and numbness has been explained to me as grief.

I am a Mummy's Boy you see. I was so fond of her ways and loved her to bits. We got on like a house of fire and really she was my best friend. We still lived together under the same roof when she passed so I saw her every day for 22 years before she took to the skies.

The moment those curtains closed at the funeral, I was at a loss. She was no longer a name in my birthday card, and there was suddenly an empty place at the dinner table. Her mobile number in my mobile phone book was redundant (I called it plenty of times after, just to hear her voice on the Answer Message). Our house phone stopped ringing. My Dad, Sis and I realised that the only people who rang the house phone wanted to speak to our Mum. Letters continued to hit our doormat addressed to Mrs Fox. When the Funeral was over, and you try to resume normal life, is when the loss and the grief hits you most.

This is the hurdle I've found most tricky. Life has a massive Mum shaped hole in it. When I finish work there's one less person to ask me how my day has gone. She always seemed interested in what I had to say, so I used to tell her all my secrets. I bottle them all up now.

Since she's gone I've massively lost my confidence, and now I don't say boo to a goose. I want to emulate my Mum's 'joie de vivre' but at times I'm still a little jaded and low. I hope that I can get a bit of good news from somewhere which will boost my self-esteem.

I still live at home with Dad and Sis but our house feels different now. Its a shrine to my Mum; her pictures and mementos are everywhere. I don't know if this is any good for me to see these day in and day out.

Before my Mum got ill I was seriously looking at moving out to my own place. When my Mum was diagnosed everything was paused. Now that the trauma is over and my Mum's in a better place I have pressed play again on my life, but currently life seems like its just creaking along. Its been eighteen months since she passed but it feels just like yesterday. I'm doing a lot of reminiscing about the past, but I don't know whether that's because I'm reminded all the time. I think I need to get on with that plan to move out.

I must point out that I do have good days too, and I'm relatively happy in general. Its just at certain times I feel at loss. I have been going to counselling sessions, and must admit that it helps as the woman who I talk to does not judge me at all.

She has pointed out that I should cry. I'm not really a crier, but I have cried a few times in the last eighteen months. At these sad moments I can't really turn to my friends and tell them how sad I feel, or at work, because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't do feelings with my Dad, and my Sister is often wrapped up away with her boyfriend. The only people who I can talk openly too is my lovely Nan and my Aunt (my Mum's sister), who I rarely see. So at times the only person I talk to is myself!

I see things which make me upset; even watching the lambs and sheep in the field was sad. The baby lamb was sheltered, safe and tucked in next to its Mummy, and I recognised that that was what I missed. I ended up crying at some sheep for goodness sake!

The Kate Bush song "Wow" also caught me unaware (one of Mum's favourite records) and I burst into tears the other week.

So, yes. That's my grief that I'm currently dealing with. I've probably said way too much however I felt I needed to write this down. In truth, the reason I've probably wrote this is because I've actually had a few days off over Easter with nothing to do. Keeping myself busy is good, but I think subconsciously I did keep myself busy on purpose to avoid thinking about the past.

If you read this and you can relate to what I've said, do get in touch. It would be nice to know if there are others who have felt or are feeling the same. Is it OK to cry at sheep?! I just hope at some point soon I can move on, things will get better, right?

Have a happy Easter, and make sure you speak to your loved ones during this time. Life is too short for squabbles and arguments; slow down and take stock of what's good in your life. The good I have learnt through what's happened is that I realise how much I love the people in my life and my family (past and present).

Rich. x

ps. I think I chucked out a lot of chintz here!

pps. You can probably tell I'm still talking to myself!

Talking

Good evening,

I am going to write about talking. Something which I am not that good at. I'm more of a listener. I can talk, but most of the time it is just waffle I'm afraid.

See, I reckon there is a technique to talking. The technique is to slow down. I've tried it, and it helps massively. That millisecond that you do slow will allow you the shortest fusion in your brain, so that your mouth knows what to say next.

I am getting better. At school around about ten years ago I didn't really speak. Something happened when I went from Primary to Secondary and I completely lost all my confidence in speaking. I remember we had to present on stage something to the rest of the class. I was so nervous, and so awkward. I can't think why. I'm sure it was just nerves so that I didn't make a fool out of myself. I remember all eyes dawning upon me, and I was a goner.

Thing is, I've learned to deal with that now. I've presented things at work to many people, everyone from a class of 9 years old's to Gordon Brown! I didn't get that nervous then. I suppose it was due to my hormones being in a juxtaposed state.

Those teenage years were spent mainly on mute. I only grunted, or made quick comments, something which enabled me to become "Wittiest Person of the Year" in the sixth form awards. I must have been doing something right. I actually remember my English teacher Miss N (not going to say her name) turning to the person next to her and whispering "How has he won that?" Yes Miss, I did hear you. I just didn't speak up in class much.

Really though, I'm happy. I've managed to keep playing football at a fantastic level, and the next two years of my life could be my finest yet. All I've got to do is speak coherantly and slowly and then everyone will understand me.

If it don't work I'll still be around, just listening in on your conversation!

Comprende?

Compassion for customer

So there I was, at work, whiling away the time.

The phone rings and I answer. It's a woman from one of the banks which our helpdesk looks after. She's having trouble connecting remotely from her home. This is a common phone call that I get from a variety of customers.

The call starts by me explaining how I'm going to help. I ask for the keyfob serial number, which allows me to look up her details. She says she's been off on long term sick, part of me wants to ask why, but I know it's not my business. She's forgotten her username to log in. I know exactly what the problem is straight away when I look this up, and duly tell her to put in a different username. This allows her to connect fine and she's able to log on.

While she's checking her side to make sure she's connected we start some small talk, which goes a little beyond the basic weather conversation. She explains that she has been retraining for new processes in the company as she has been off. She expands on this to say that the reason she has been off on sick leave for 6 months is to care for her husband, who has cancer. I immediately draw in my breath and the memories that I have of this exact situation with my Mum come flooding back. "...And it's terminal", she continues. "I'm so sorry to hear that", I can only reply. Once it was the opposite way around when people replied to me like that. There is nothing else you can say.

She explains about getting her husband into a care home, a task I remember so vividly with my Mum. I expand on my Sorry by explaining, "I went through the same thing.." I am a complete mess of emotions at this point, part of me wants to cry, part of me wants to hug this woman and say everything's going to be OK and part of me wants to kick that bastard cancer illness into touch once and for all and stop hurting innocent people.

I really felt genuine emotion for this woman who I don't know and have never met. I didn't expand on my Mum's story too much (as that is a novel in itself) but I felt her pain. She knows the outcome it seems. When I tried to be positive; "I hope your husband gets better", she replied quite openly and in a real heartbroken manner, "he won't". I was amazed at her strength to say that. She didn't, or at least I didn't hear her voice break at all.

She did ask rhetorically at one point, "Why am I telling you all this?" I didn't need to answer, I used to talk all my feelings away to complete strangers. I know exactly how she feels, seeing someone you love so dearly taken away from you is a terrible wrench. My Mum was 46 when she died from stomach cancer. I had just turned 22. The person who guided me through childhood is no longer there, I have to guide myself now.

So, this woman, who outpoured all her story down the phone line seems an inspiration. I called her an "angel" at one point for caring so well for her husband. My Dad, who was fantastic throughout my Mum's journey/torture (depending on your optimism) has been there, done it and sold the T shirt.

I left her able to logon to work remotely, she said thanks for talking through helping her connect, and also to listen to her story. She asked for my name at the end of the call, I said "it's Richard". That made me feel quite proud and threw me completely again, no one ever asks for my name unless they think I've done a good job. "Whenever I ring your company, I always find you really helpful". "I'm doing my best" is what I could muster in reply as I said Goodbye.

Our best is all we can do. What a marvellous woman.

I had to go on a break after that call, and I fondly recalled some great moments with my Mum when I was little. To say that phone call didn't move me would be an understatement.

Would love to know how that woman and her husband fare in the future. Sadly, I may never find out. They deserve happiness, I'm sure the place that serves it is where my Mum is now. God bless you, wherever you are. x

Rich.