Flying the nest

In case you were wondering why I had gone quiet, or indeed if I had fallen off the Earth, well I have been rather busy of late.

You see, around two weeks ago I packed up my belongings and moved my bits and pieces along to a little two-bedroomed flat in the next town along from the family home. I flew the nest, so to speak!

And, how do I feel? Well, two emotions immediately spring to mind.

The first emotion is that I am disproportionally happy about all this. I say disproportionally, because I can't put into words how big of a deal this is for me. This is on a scale like no other. This is a watershed moment in my life. I have been secretly planning this for ages. For the last seven years I have been saving up my money, diligently working away for my employer, always with this in mind as my end goal. Forget spending my hard earned money on silly relationships and love; (two things which I am completely useless at) it was always my intention to get a little house first before any girl came along!

The second emotion is that I am completely disorientated by all this. I am in a new house, full of new appliances and new items, in a new town, all by myself! It's just me! And do you know what? Even though I am finding it difficult to sleep; even though I need to fix the heating and the windows; even though the fridge decides to talk to me at 2am; I am absolutely loving it! I am going to make this my sanctuary. I am the king of the castle.

So why, in this, the year of the Dragon, have I moved out? Why now? Well, it just all fit into place, like a jigsaw. Some things are meant to be. Myself and this property were meant to be together. (When we first met, it was love at first sight!). I said yes. I remember signing the mortgage contract and then thinking to myself, "thirty five years, oh well!" The thing is, if you get a chance or an opportunity for success, then you must grab it with both hands. I hope I am conveying this in my post. This was a golden opportunity.

Also, as you may have read before, I found it increasingly difficult to move on with my own life after the loss of my Mum three years ago. When you lose someone who you adore and admire, it knocks you for six. I found it especially hard because I was living with her. Then suddenly, she wasn't there. The last three years of my life I lost my confidence, my happiness, my joie de vivre and my social life. I turned into a recluse. I lost my place in the football team. I felt like utter rubbish. The family home was a shrine to my Mum, and looking around and feeling her presence I felt so sad living there. I wanted a new start. I needed some good news.

This is my good news. This is my new start. A new chapter begins. I immediately feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel so much happier, and less ill at ease. I feel like I am walking tall again. I am inviting friends around to "my house"! I set a Resolution in January 2012 to be putting up my own Christmas tree in my own house at the end of this year. To those people who doubted me that I could stand on my own two feet, well, I've proved you wrong!  (there were a few in my family!)

I have done it, all by myself. I can't quite believe it.

Yet, even after saying all the above, it is at this point where I reflect and it all feels so bitter-sweet. I would dearly love to be able to show my Mum what I've achieved. x

Best wishes to you all for an excellent Christmas and New Year. Here's to a prosperous, happy and healthy 2013. Love, Foxy. xx

The best songs at this moment in time

Someone asked me what music I like recently.

The answer to this question is always difficult. Now, usually, if I was feeling quite garrulous I would give a detailed response to the person who was asking the question. In future, if I was running short of time, I may just give them this webpage link.

Here is a list of songs by artists that I admire at the moment. These tracks are currently swimming around my head.

EVERYTHING EVERYTHING- Cough Cough

"Yeah, so, um, wait a second!" This is quite marvellous. In fact, I would say that it completely blew my mind when it came out. I loved their first record, so when this was released last month I was in awe. It's just simple, everyone in the world needs to hear Everything Everything. The new album is out in January; no doubt it will go completely unnoticed, but you must hear this.

YEASAYER- Devil and the Deed

From the latest album, which is so intriguing that you need to listen to again and again. Their London show was cancelled in September, so I'm making up for it by playing the record lots of times. In December is the rescheduled date. I can't wait.

DAVID BYRNE & ST VINCENT- Who

What happens when you put two of the World's most interesting musicians in a room together? You get this! Who is the first track from the new record. Annie Clark (St Vincent) can do no wrong in my eyes, and their Love This Giant collaboration backs this theory. It won't set the charts alight, but for the fans out there it is a great little musical piece.

BAT FOR LASHES- Laura

I recently witnessed Natasha Khan in concert, and I cannot recommend her highly enough. She has a back catalogue of three albums, all of which are superb. I know, I know, I'm using lots of boring superlatives here. However, it is true. Bat For Lashes is the most enjoyable live act I have witnessed this year. And she has a fantastic shoulder shuffle.(if you have seen her live you'll know what I mean). This track; Laura, which is just Natasha and a Piano shows just how stripped down music can get. Listen to how her voice echoes around in this song. It is hauntingly beautiful.

THEME PARK- Jamaica

The new album is out in January. I really like this song. It sounds a bit like Summer, which is always welcome. That is all.

GRIZZLY BEAR- A Simple Answer

This is a live track taken from a session before they went on their world tour. I love Grizzly Bear. They can raise a record to a crescendo and they can perform a song whereby you can hear a pin drop. This track rises and falls just like that. It peaks about two thirds of the way through, before a slightly disconcerting ending. This might not be to everyone's taste, but this is utterly compelling listening.

KINDNESS- Gee Up

Such a cool record. This rocks. And it is so short. 

SARAH BLASKO- I Awake

Blasko is back! Blasko is back! This is the most recent track released from her record that she has released Down Under. The new album will be so soon on our record players.

METRONOMY- Hypnose (Jean Michel Jarre cover)

I like this cover version and the video is pretty much made for blogging and animal lovers on the Internet in 2012. 

ALT-J- Something Good

This is a record that probably rightfully won the Mercury Prize. There is so much to hear on this song. It needs much more listening time than I have probably given it.

THE XX- Angels

This is track 1 on the album. For a whole two days I couldn't get beyond it to the rest of the album. It is suitably excellent. Also, it ties in with being a past winner of the Mercury Prize.

MADNESS- Misery
Oui, oui! Si Si! Just a joy! You cannot not have a smile on your face after hearing this record.

JAPAN- Visions of China

Alright, this isn't new! Yet, this is a classic. It just doesn't escape my head! 

This blog entry contains far too many superlatives. Yes, I  know I need to invest in a thesaurus. However, the above tunes speak for themselves. Give them a listen!

Or, recommend! 

I love you, Mum

The thirteenth of October looms in the calendar like a horrid monster. I hate it. It really is a date that I am not fond of. I mean, what else can you do or think about on the anniversary of your Mother's death? Three years ago, on Tuesday 13th of October 2009, my Mum sadly departed this World. Here's her story.

My Mum was completely amazing. The loveliest woman you could ever want to meet. Born and raised in North London, to Irish parents, she was the warmest person on the planet. She was devoted to her husband, to my younger Sister and myself. She loved her parents and her Sister, and had many friends. You could always find her making new ones. She didn't have any enemies in the world and throughout her life she deserved all the good fortune and happiness that came her way.

Sadly, good fortune and happiness didn't come her way. She was slim, she didn't drink to excess or smoked. She exercised regularly and she ate a varied diet. Mum was full of life. Falling ill wasn't even in question. Yet, towards the back end of 2008, she started complaining about stomach pains. This, coupled with the fact that she was finding it difficult to finish her meals, meant she seemed to be a little anxious about something. Initially, it was something she originally shrugged off as indigestion, but as the pain worsened into early 2009 and she was forced to go off sick from work, she went to the doctors.

The doctors originally thought that she had a stomach ulcer, so she got treatment immediately for that. The pain, however, didn't subside. Further trips to the doctors continued, and it was in mid-February 2009 when we finally heard the news we had been fearing. My Mum had been diagnosed with stomach cancer.

I remember my Dad and my Mum sat together in our living room when they told me the tragic news. I had just returned home from a weary day at work, and was confronted by Mum and Dad. I listened and didn't really understand the situation. It was all a blur. My Dad hastily mentioned that the doctors said Mum had six months to live if the cancer was left untreated, and 18 months to 2 years with therapy. It sounded ridiculous. It sounded untrue. I was in shock. Both my Dad and I agreed to brush those figures under the carpet and take the therapy option, but my Mum instantly lost the glint in her eye. I lost the person who I knew as my Mum that day. I feared that deep down she knew what fate bestowed her.

My Sister, who was away at University in Southampton, immediately quit her studies. She rang me in tears at hearing the news of what she had heard from Dad. How could I explain to her in great detail what I've just said above? I softened the blow, and Dad and I never told my Sister about how much time my Mum had left to live. We always remained positive that it would clear up completely. We wanted Mum to take the treatments, and hoped that this would be the cure.

She was due for several bouts of chemotherapy; on a new trial drug, which meant that we never really knew what was being tested. Several months went by under the treatment. It got really tough for my Mum, and she deteriorated in front of my eyes. To say I was devastated by how things were developing would be an understatement. I couldn't believe what was happening. She completely lost her appetite and found eating so difficult. My heart sank every time I saw her turn away food. Conflicting reports from the doctors that the cancer lump had shrunk to the size of a pea; then news that it had spread made me feel uneasy. It was a torrid time for all of us. Mum was hardly able to get out of bed. Sadly in late May of 2009 it all got too much, and she was so weak that she suffered a severe stroke.

Somehow, following the stroke she recovered. Amazingly within six weeks she was back on her feet again. The doctors at the hospital were baffled by her determination. We were told on the night of the stroke by doctors, that this could be the end. She battled back. In a bid to get back to feeling in good health, the chemotherapy was ditched. The test of her inner strength and resolve was shown by the fact that during the administering of the chemotherapy drug, and through the stresses of the stroke, she never lost her blonde hair at all.

I continued to work throughout the year, but all my spare time was sitting in various hospital wards at my Mum's bedside. I don't really know to this day how my Dad stayed so strong, he was always at my Mother's side. My Sister was chief carer. We all were strong. Never once did any of us, (including my Mum's sister and my Nan) cry in front of my Mum.

We managed to plan a weekend away in Brighton in the middle of August, and those days I will always cherish as the last time as a family of four we went out together. We literally carried Mum out for dinner one night at Harry Ramsden's Fish and Chip shop on the seafront; in hindsight I realise that this was our last family meal. She was so frail. Later on that evening, after tucking an exhausted Mum in the hotel bedroom, I walked the Promenade with my Sister. We watched some fireworks going off that evening on the seafront, with both of us thinking of Mum. We realised that at that stage Mum was too unwell and drained to even raise her head from the pillow to see them from the hotel window. The realisation over what was happening was beginning to kick in.

I buckled and gave way to tears on my birthday for the first time, and I sat in the beautiful Hospice gardens with my Sister in the sunset, feeling completely empty and helpless. I just couldn't see an escape route from the suffering my Mum was going through. Mum got moved to the amazing Hospice of St Francis in Berkhamsted, and it was here where I realised (to myself) that this was where she would spend her final days. She was unsafe at home, with numerous seizures after her stroke, and there were a couple of terrifying ambulance trips for her from home to Watford General at 4 in the morning.

Gradually, she became weaker, and without the chemotherapy, the cancer decided to rear its ugly head again. She was given more pills to make her sleepy and free from pain, and she ate less and less. We turned visitors away. A couple of days into October she gave my Sister and I each a card, with her handwriting, and the message hit me like a ton of bricks. She knew her fate. The card was wishing me luck for the future. A future without her. The card will stay with me forever. I cried and cried when I had a moment to myself.

She finally passed on a bright sunny Autumnal morning of the 13th of October 2009, the day after my Sister's 20th birthday. Of course, Mum was holding out to celebrate it. My Dad was at her side, fittingly, when she stopped breathing.

The funeral came and went in a haze of memories and tales, and suddenly there were no trips to see Mum. There was no need to be racing around to be at her bedside. There were no more hospital visits. The mass of equipment and drugs to help her at home were not necessary any more. She just wasn't there. I have felt empty ever since.

We realised that the pain that my Mum had gone through was too much. We were glad that she didn't suffer for too long. She's in a better place now. I long for a hug from my Mum, and if I point to other blog entries, I miss her terribly. I see her as a shining light in my life now, and that she is guiding me in some way to my future happiness.

So, why am I writing this, apart from to mark the the anniversary? Well, there's really three messages. If your Mum is still around, go and tell her how much you love her. When she was alive I did, and I'm so glad I did. This goes for other close family members and friends too. There's no need for petty squabbles or arguments.

Secondly, I would not wish the illness my Mum had on anyone. It was a hideous illness. My Mum was in agony. This was akin to a horror film. So please, if you feel unwell or you have any doubts about your health, then see a doctor. They can save your life. Here's a piece of advice I read recently; "if your pain is stubborn, then make sure you are stubborn too".

The other message is to live your life. My Mum was 46 when she passed away, but before the cancer our family had a whale of a time. I cherish and remember those moments the most. Go and do the things that you keep putting off. Take a holiday. Relax. Life really is too short. The scary bits of my Mum's story that I've explained above are slowly and gradually being replaced with happier memories. Slowly and gradually.

Tomorrow, on the twelfth of this month a group of us are going for dinner to celebrate my Sister's 23rd birthday. We'll raise a toast to Mum at the dinner table. On the thirteenth, I'm going to where my Mum's ashes are scattered in her favourite place. I will talk to her knowing she's listening. I can feel her presence when I'm there.

I love you Mum.
(In loving memory of Deborah Valerie Fox. 05/12/1962- 13/10/2009).

Rich. xx

Instrumental Wonders

Here is another arbitrary list; this time showcasing my favourite Instrumental tracks. There are some amazing records in this list that just need no words. If I have missed any you feel should be on this compilation, then do let me know!

You can find the link to the Youtube mix here:

David Bowie- Speed Of Life
The opener on Low. Just an awesome powerful start to an album. A real head banger and footstomper too!

Val Bennett- The Russians Are Coming
This track contains so much nostalgia that I am immediately returned to being six/seven/eight years old again. It features as the title track in the "Secret Life Of" series on Channel 4 in the early nineties.

B Bumble and the Stingers- Nut Rocker
Any instrumental list of tracks must have this record contained within. A Sixties classic.

Shadows- Apache
This song is my Dad in a nutshell. If there was one song which said, "yes, that's my Dad!" then this is it.

Madness- The Business
This is quality. Damn right quality. Mike Barson's piano runs through this track and is wonderful. A superb piece of instrumental music, that just sounds so good.

The Selecter- The Selecter
Following the first beat of this track, I was completely lost.

Doves- Firesuite
A stay up late and listen in the dark song.

Metronomy- You Could Easily Have Me
A dance yourself crazy song.

Johann Johannsson- The Rocket Builder
Now this little gem is found as the backing music to Tim Key's poetry. It is quite brilliant.

Beethoven- Moonlight Sonata
I have to put some classic tracks in here.

Bernard Herrman- Taxi Driver
Such a fantastic score from a fantastic film. There is so much tension in this piece of music. It is made for De Niro.

Fairport Convention- Brilliancy Medley
This is folk music at it's best. Classic 1970s Whistle Test performance here.

Kuricorder Quartet- I've Just Seen A Face
A gorgeous record. Such a happy track.

Variations- Andrew Lloyd Webber
I had to put this in.

Madness- The Return of the Las Palmas 7
This is my favourite track on this list. I love this record and video so much.

6 Music

In the Summer of 2010, the BBC announced plans to axe BBC 6 Music. The following email; which I sent to the BBC Trust in their consultation feedback period, shows how I reacted.

From: .........
To: srconsultation@bbc.co.uk
Sent: Thursday, 13 May 2010, 15:59
Subject: Strategy Review- 6 Music closure

Good afternoon,
I am writing this email out of disappointment at the BBC's recent plans to shut 6 Music. When I read the documentation online regarding this I could not believe the decision.

I do not normally get involved with prostetations or rallies but this changed my opinion. BBC 6 Music provides a service that no other radio station does. As a 22 year old male I feel that this is the only radio station category that I fit into!

I would take a guess that three quarters of my record collection is from being introduced to an artist via listening to 6 Music. This is over the last 8 years from when the station was launched in 2002. I have grown up with the station, and love the eclectic alternative mix that it provides. Yes, it may not be to everyone's taste but this is one of the best services the BBC produces.

Also the archive session tracks that you have access to showcase the immense quality that the BBC has in its archives, John Peel would be proud. Your coverage of the Camden Crawl 2009 was brilliant (as a Madness fan I was so pleased this was covered!).

Artists such as Sarah Blasko, Joanna Newsom and Half Man Half Biscuit do not fit into any other radio station's output and that is why it would be a travesty f the station closed. I am a real fan. I won a Neville Staple CD from Nemone's show a few years ago, and proudly stuck the 6 Music sticker in the back window of my car!

I hope that this email goes some way towards saving the station from closure; I don't want to have to try to pretend to like Radio 1!

Many thanks,

Name: ..........
Phone number: ....... (long time listener)

Three weeks later, the review panel believed that due to the public outcry; 6 Music would be saved. I jumped for joy when I heard the news. I still listen to and love 6 Music each and every single day.

Thank you BBC.

Stabilisers

The above phtograph was taken in the Summertime in the halcyon days of the early nineties, on a family holiday near Bristol. That little blonde-haired boy, excitedly racing aroud a beautifully tranquil old farmhouse, is me!

It was a momentus occasion. It was the first time I was able to ride a bicycle without stabilisers.

I spent months and months at home, trying to master the art of balancing on two wheels. Standing on one leg is something I have always found really tricky, so learning to be on two wheels was also going to be a challenge. I was a couple of years behind my peers, in managing to achieve this feat, but nevertheless, I did it! All the other kids in the street where we lived managed to ride a bike without stabilisers, so my determination to succeed was loosely based on their success.

Determination to overcome a skill or challenge was inherited in me from an early age. I remember feeling so determined to ride without stabilisers. I fell off my bike so many times while I was practising. The family holiday and the long afternoons in the sun gave me enough dedicated time to concentrate and master the skill. My Dad then hooked off the stabilisers, and it was suddenly my balance versus me.

Staying upright was my biggest challenge. On many occasions my Dad ran behind me, clutching the back of my seat to hold me steady. I started again and again, not quite holding it together, and falling to one side. It was practise, practise, practise.

Then it clicked. Suddenly, just like the previous twenty or thirty times, I got on the saddle, gripped the handlebars, leant forward and turned the pedals. I teetered along slowly. With much trepidation I waited for the moment that Dad would stop running and set me free. Cautiously I pressed the pedals. A couple of rotations of my feet and I then realised my Dad was ten yards behind me. I was doing it. Alone. I recall a lot of wobbling, and a lot of "whoahing", but I WAS CYCLING!

You couldn't stop me after that!

It's funny, because I also remember clearly the day I passed my driving test. The woman who was carrying out the test, turning around to me and saying "well, Richard, I'm very pleased to say that you've passed!" This was followed by a photograph of myself next to my instructors car with the biggest grin on my face imaginable.

I remember the moment I learnt to do ten football keepy-uppys non-stop. Again, all my friends at school and the team I played football with on Sunday mornings could do hundreds. I was in our back garden when I managed ten. I punched the air in jubilation. My Mum, looking out at me enthusiastically from kitchen window, actually clapped!

I'm writing this, because those learning days aren't just fragments of my past. I continue to want to learn new skills, in my present and in my future. I remember the day in the photo above, the day I passed my driving test, or the day I managed to do ten keepy-uppys at football. Each little achievement was like scoring a goal.

Upon reminiscing about these moments, I realise that actually there's nothing stopping me from continuing to learn new skills.

Recently, I found myself searching "one handed trumpet players" the other day on Google. There's even a "one handed saxophone" that you can buy on a specialist music website, too! To master a musical instrument, and play something other than a kazoo, would be wonderful. (see other article about disability for reference to one handed ness)

Last year, I signed up to do an extra curricular course at my local college. It was one of the best things I could have done. For one evening a week I would go off and learn about a subject that I really was intrigued in. Being in a classroom environment, and actually wanting to be there, was a complete joy. I revelled in the subject (I chose an Introduction to Counselling course) and found myself picking up new skills, and wanting to know more.

I am looking to continue new learning when the new term begins in the Autumn, although at the moment I am unsure which subjects to pursue. I'm fascinated in all sorts of topics. I like having extra strings to my bow.

Ultimately, you see that determined seven year old in the picture above? I haven't really changed. I suppose I'm just a little bit of a bigger version.

Ten songs

Here's an arbitrary list of ten songs that you must hear this month.

Playlist here:

Grizzly Bear: Sleeping Ute
The latest track from Brooklyn-based band Grizzly Bear. As with every Grizzly Bear tune, this waltzes into your subconscious and before you know it, you're humming along.

Theme Park: Milk
Try not to dance to this. Go on, I dare you. This is so dance-able and I nearly fell down the stairs at the Brixton Academy while bopping along to this track. I met the lead singer following the gig and told him how much I loved their music. More Theme Park please.

The Walkmen: We Can't Be Beat
From the latest Walkmen album. This is a beautiful track from a band who are on my definite list to see live at some point.

Kindness: House
Saw this performed live at Field Day, and it hasn't left me. It is quite a euphoric record. Adam Bainbridge's album is hit and miss (see/hear the dreadful cover of Anyone Can Fall In Love) but this track is mighty fine on the album.

Wild Beasts: Brave Bulging Buoyant Clairvoyants
I forgot how good Wild Beasts were. This track, from their debut record Limbo, Panto is a good old footstomper. This can be completely addictive.

Scritti Politti- Asylums in Jerusalem
Oh, the loops and the swirls and the bass line here is a joy. This is from the 1981 album Songs to Remember, which is so highly underrated.

Summer Camp: Better Off Without You
Another act I saw at Field Day. This track bounces along and there is such an element of nostalgia. I should also point out that I am a little bit in love with the lead singer Elizabeth Sankey. Her vocals are excellent here; a top little tune.

The Cure- 10:15 Saturday Night
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. Yes. Need I say anymore? The coolest song in the world.

Madness: Michael Caine
I'm allowed a couple of blasts from the pasts aren't I? Madness, having recently played on Buckingham Palace roof are quite magnificent here in this 1984 track. Beautifully written, regarding tricky subject matter. Sung by Cathal Smyth.

Mountain Man: Animal Tracks
Just go and listen and fall in love with this song. The harmonies and the vocals of the trio is so beautiful. I bet you can't just play it the once.

I would post more, but those ten for the time being. I've selected new and old tracks here, but that's allowed isn't it?

Are there any other tracks I must hear, that I have missed off?

Field Day

Field Day.

A day spent in Victoria Park listening to music is a perfect way to spend a Saturday in June. I was present at Field Day, a one day music festival bonanza in East London, featuring many bands, many stages and many people looking like they'd dressed for a jumble sale.

It was a great day. As soon as I arrived, it was beers, pie and chips. It's a long way to Mile End, and it's an enormous queue to get in. Once fully refreshed, I decided to head straight to the tent at the back of the park where Errors were playing. The tent atmosphere seemed so much more powerful than the open air venue, where the music just seemed to drift away.

I had also wanted to see Summer Camp perform, and they splendidly performed with some 80s influenced beats. Lead singer Elizabeth Sankey announced that she wasn't well whilst performing, but you would have never guessed. Tracks like Down and Better Off Without You were storming renditions, and I think we'll hear more from them in the future.

Highlight of the day was the act following Summer Camp. Adam Bainbridge and his band; better known as Kindness, played a quite amazing funky set. I wasn't sure what to expect, but they left me in no doubt that Kindness are the band of the moment.

Songs like Cyan, with an amazing bass riff, and That's Alright are excellent. During the performance of the euphoric House, he jumped into the crowd yards away from me to sing the lines. The forty minutes they were on stage for I was blown away. I am sure that he is destined for bigger things.

Metronomy played for an hour on the main stage, and hit the mark too. The sound mixing wasn't quite right, and the organ wasn't clear throughout, which was a shame. I think the open atmosphere also didn't help. I still love how many people in the crowd were on other people's shoulders during The Look. I so wish they would play more from their album "Lights Out" though.

I then took part in a Beirut mosh-pit dance of sorts, as the sky turned to darkness, and as it just started to pour. That was our cue to get out of there and head home. I saw all the bands I wanted to see, and whilst acts like Kindness and SBTRKT were so powerful and perfect, other acts like Toy and Metronomy had the sound levels all wrong. I hope next year that they can sort that out. Obviously with so many different people making changes, it would be impossible to get it quite right.

But, we still had a good time.

2008

Four years ago, I was involved with the hubbub and buzz and build up of the Paralympic Games. I represented Team GB at 7 a side football in Beijing, China. It remains one of my greatest achievements, and to be honest, nothing comes quite as close to matching that moment.
This year, unfortunately, after putting in dedicated hours and hours of training and playing I didn't make the cut for the final fifteen. That fifteen has been whittled down to twelve now. I am devastated.

Having spent years playing for my country, and putting everything into my training and iproving as a player, I was distraught when they told me I wouldn't be invited on the warm up trip to San Diego back in January.

I still hold the record for amount of appearances, and I am the longest serving member of the squad. I have been involved since 1999, and travelled to my first tournament in Argentina aged just sixteen. I pride myself of those facts.

The thing is, having been wrapped up and dedicated in my sport for so long, means that now I am out of it I don't know what to do with myself.

Do I keep on training? Yes. The drive to train has waned slightly. I do struggle to find the motivation. After all, what am I training for now?

There is one thing that keeps me going. The fact that at any time someone can get injured and suddenly you're drafted in. At the moment though, I feel sad, and upset that I wasn't picked. I worked so hard to be a part of it, but alas, it was all in vain.

This Summer; with the Olympic and Paralympic Games all over the television, it is going to be mightly hard to watch.

Mystery Jets Live

I have never been as excited as I was before attending the Mystery Jets show in Brixton on Friday evening.

The venue was the Academy, and following the release to critical acclaim of their fourth studio album, Radlands, it appeared that he venue was the perfect place to showcase their brimming talent.

Now, the Mystery Jets have played everywhere, from Churches to in-stores to festivals. They know their audience. The scene was set to blast away the fans. Opening with Something Purer from the new album, you knew that they had faith in their material.

Tracks like Sister Everitt and Greatest Hits were belted out, and seemed to be really well received by the adorning crowd. For long term fans, seeing a band which has played intimate venues in the past, this was a step up to the big time arena.

Delving into the back catalogue, they knew which tracks really hit the spot. From the thrilling second album Twenty One; we were treated to Veiled In Grey, which along with Flash A Hungry Smile may have been my track of the night.

They also hit the spot with the double header of Two Doors Down and Young Love. The crowd were all rolling in aisles and hooting and howling to that double.

The sound was spot on, and I could hear every ounce of the vocal range of guitarist William Rees. Blaine Harrison looked assured on lead vocals, and appeared so cool and composed throughout. Kapil Trivedi's drumming kept the rhythm spot on throughout. Yes, they may miss Kai Fish, and it's true that there was a Mystery Jets shaped hole that I felt was missed on stage.

The introduction and indeed return of Blaine Harrison's Dad to play synthesiser on Behind the Bunhouse as the final track was an incredibly moving moment, as was the encore and finale of Flakes.

To finish with such euphoria was a joyous moment. For any Mystery Jets fan, it would appear that this was their zenith so far. Throughout, I felt like I was in the Mystery Jets. Their fans are like an extra member of the band. They haven't bowed to commercialism as so many bands may have done, but I think that at the same time this is what makes them so appealing. My excitement was justified; they were everything I wanted them to be.

I can't tie my shoelaces

How does your disability affect you?



This is a question that I'm asked often whenever I need to fill out a form for something, after I've 'not-wanted-to-but-had-to' admit on the form that "yes I do have a disability". I wish I could fit the following answer into the box on each occasion.

In simple terms my right arm and hand doesn't act like it should. My right hand is almost permanently fixed in a closed ball like manner, because I don't have the necessary brain signals for me to tell my fingers to open up fully and relax. I can't wiggle my fingers or my toes on my right foot. I'm really limited to my use of my right hand. I do everything with my left. I dare say, you probably wouldn't even notice I had an issue with my arm if you met me, but I tend to spend a lot of my time trying to make it not noticeable. The name for this is right sided hemiplegia, a mild form of cerebral palsy.

OK, it is a bit of a shame that I'll never be an excellent pianist. I may have been, certainly, as musicality runs in the family. I'd love to be able to learn to play an instrument but it looks like I'm only restricted to the Harmonica or maybe the Kazoo.

I've never had the dexterity to complete two handed tasks. I did have weekly physiotherapy sessions when I was little, and as much as they may have helped, I can't help thinking back that I hated them. Giving a list of repetitive exercises to a boy of six, seven, eight is not good. Football was definitely my only enjoyable outlet, but that's another story.

Another thing is that I can't tie my shoelaces. At school I had elastic laces in my shoes, but they were curly and I didn't want to be the boy with the weird laces. There's always a stigma attached to not tying laces. When you were at school, you were considered stupid if you couldn't tie your shoes. I physically couldn't do them. Yet, I always felt embarrassed. Even to this day, I still feel silly having to ask someone to tie my laces. I suppose, even at the age I am now, that I've just got to accept that I'll never have the functionality to do them.

Yet, here's the thing that I cannot understand, even though I am the person most directly affected. If I think about relaxing my arm, quite the opposite happens. I tense up. The muscles in my arm tighten when I least want them to.

Think about a boxer fighting in the ring. Just before he goes to throw a punch he tenses and contracts the muscles in his whole arm. Now imagine that spasm, as an involuntary movement around a hundred times a day, including at bed time.

I don't have any control over this; the length of the spasm or when it will occur; all I know is that my next spell of arm-tightening is just around the corner. And I'm really not a fan of having my arm tense up randomly like this. I am used to the effect, but at times, it drives me completely crazy. This reaction kind of cramps my style a bit!

I tense more when I'm stressed or nervous. At my last interview for my current employer, I was so aware of my arm being tight. To myself I was saying to my right arm, "relax, relax", whilst answering the questions of the man opposite at the same time. It was multi-tasking at it's finest and I was so suprised I got the job! I wish I didn't have to do that though.

I do try and hide my disability, and unless you asked me to tie your own shoelaces(!) or you went to shake my hand, you wouldn't notice. Once, I sat on a train opposite a woman, who did happen to notice my arm and constantly kept staring at my hand. I could feel her eyes on me, and the more she looked, the more my hand went into a ball and tightened up. The whole experience of being scrutinised was horrid, and I nearly had a panic attack on the train. It happens in really busy places too. I hardly ever have my hands resting in my lap, because I'm just so self-aware.

I just thought I'd write this to see if there are others in a similar situation. How a function of the brain that is hidden and unseen can affect someone. Certainly, my disability has shaped who I am. Because of the reasons above I'm not one to draw attention to myself, and I suppose my quiet, happy nature is from not wishing to be the centre of attention.

I have been to various doctors and physiotherapists across the land throughout the years to see if there is a cure, or to see if I can get my hand and arm to be relaxed at all times. I have had botox injections to try and stop the spasm contractions, but they are only short term and they didn't really work. I am not going to try drugs like Baclofen, because I don't want to slow down the rest of my body. Is there anything else that I can do to stop unwanted and random contractions in arm muscles? Or, is there anything I can do to change the thought processes in my brain?

I know I shouldn't feel so embarrassed at not being able to tie my own shoelaces or self-conscious on packed trains, but I do. And that's my final point. Even though I'd publicly admit how my disability affects me physically; privately I'd admit that it probably affects me more mentally.

Feist Live- Royal Albert Hall

On Sunday evening Feist performed to a packed and intrigued crowd at the Royal Albert Hall.

After three fine albums of material behind her, this was Feist in a perfect setting to showcase her talents. Leslie Feist, guitar in hand, flanked by her band, and the beautiful trio of singers Mountain Man; played effortlessly and confidently within such a venue.

She knew her audience, and she knew how to play to such an arena. The edginess of some of the tracks were a joy. Highlights included the disturbingly good A Commotion; the haunting Graveyard and the delightfully delicate Anti-Pioneer.

The thing about a Feist show is that one track differs so much from the next. You have the rockier, drum heavy numbers like Bad in Each Other, to the singalong numbers like Mushaboom. All in all, the show rises and falls, much like the audience. During some tracks the crowd are on their feet; during the more subdued tracks all are seated.

A nod must go to My Moon My Man; with the opening notes on an organ, to best track of the night. So Sorry, also with an unusual introduction via audience participation was also beautifully executed.

M Ward provided support for the evening, and played with Feist on a Jesus and Mary Chain cover during the first encore. Mountain Man also delivered a solo track during the set; and must now have done enough to warrant a fan base of their own.

On leaving the stage Feist then performed the title song from her debut album, Let It Die (the other debut album song in the set being Mushaboom). Inviting fans up onto the stage to dance; it was an opportunity not to be missed.

















So, there I was. One of about fifty people, dancing on the Royal Albert Hall stage with Feist to Let It Die. It was quite something!

We were hoarded off prompty after the song, before encore number two, and the effortless Limit to Your Love. This was followed by the wonderful solo finale, Intuition.

Certainly, this felt like Feist playing in a front room. She kept it so tight and not a note went spare. Those intrigued viewers who entered the Arena, would not have been disappointed by this showing. Seeing Leslie Feist play live is highly recommended viewing.

Female Singer Songwriters Playlist

Here is a playlist containing my favourite female singer songwriters. There are some brilliantly talented women in this playlist. I've bookended this with Armatrading and Vega; like the Pillars of Rock; they are the Pillars of Female Singer Songwriters. It is not an exhaustive list by any means. If I've missed any, that you think should be included; then let me know!

You'll find the 18 track Youtube playlist here:


1)Joan Armatrading- Down to Zero

2)Laura Marling- My Manic and I

3)Sarah Blasko- All I Want

4)Feist- My Moon my Man

5)Florence and the Machine- My Boy Builds Coffins

6)Charlotte Hatherley- Bastardo

7)Lykke Li- Breaking It Up

8)PJ Harvey- Down by the Water

9)Joan as a Policewoman- The Ride

10)Lisa Hannigan- What'll I Do

11)Keren Ann- Sailor and Widow

12)Rose Elinor Dougall- Carry On

13)Rae Morris- Day One

14)Joanna Newsom- Good Intentions Paving Company

15)Bat For Lashes- Prescilla

16)St Vincent- Marrow

17)Suzanne Vega- Marlene on the Wall

St Vincent- Live at the Shepherd's Bush Empire

On Monday night, St Vincent took to the stage to rapturous applause at a packed out Shepherd's Bush Empire in London.

St Vincent is Annie Clark; quite possibly the most gorgeous woman in rock and roll presently. In the live show she is backed by two keyboard and synthesiser players and a drummer. It seems her bandmates are almost cast aside, because the stage is centred all around Clark and her constant wranglings with her own electric guitar.

The set begins with three tracks from her latest album Strange Mercy; tracks from the album are peppered throughout the set. It seems as if Annie Clark is wanting and waiting to be unleashed. She has an edge to her, that makes her whole performance incredibly intriguing. During the intricate guitar riff of Chloe in the Afternoon for example; it is almost as if there is a monster about to escape Annie, as she twitches and snaps across the stage to play the chords.

She then delved into her back catalogue to play tracks from her previous albums. Actor out of Work and the simply beautiful, enchanting yet disconcerting Black Rainbow going down extremely well in the enraptured Arena. The audience were an attentive, head-nodding mixture of old and young. Certainly the appeal of St Vincent seems universal; albeit tonight it was only in this small corner of West London for ninety minutes.

Awesome renditions of Cruel and Marrow; plus an amazing cover of the Pop Group's She is Beyond Good and Evil confirmed the fact that St Vincent; dressed strikingly all in black, rocked. Clark returned to encore with the quite stunning and haunting, The Party. And then with her final track, she left us in no doubt that this was a ten out of ten rock and roll show.

The lyrics, guitar and synthesiser all sound so angrily energetic in Your Lips Are Red; and it appeared that the volcano had finally erupted. She went for it. For a good couple of minutes, Annie Clark had left the stage and dived into the crowd for a short lie down.

There was something particularly terrifying about St Vincent for the duration of her performance at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. It is the edginess and uniqueness of each song, which is definitely her appeal. Her performance is incredibly watchable. This was St Vincent unleashed, live, powerful, scary and wholly captivating; and it was darn good.

One Step Behind

Saturday night I was in attendance at the Horn, in St Albans to see One Step Behind; a tribute of definitely the best band on Earth. All right; I'm biased!

Having grown up listening to Madness, it's no coincidence that I know every single word of every song. So, on Saturday night, in a small back room with excellent sound there I was doing exactly the same thing as I always do. One Step Behind were musicallly cracking; and played each number perfectly.

Madness leave out a whole period of their back catalogue when playing live (the time following Mike Barson's departure in 1984) but One Step Behind choose to play songs from that era; including the hugely underrated One Better Day, and the fantastically off-beat Uncle Sam. For a fan; this is a gig that fills great expectations. The lead singer is spot on with the vocals; and the Suggs mannerisms.

A nod must go to the saxophonist, who was perfect with his delivery. They split the show into two parts; and concluded inevitably with Night Boat to Cairo; causing much chaos in the sweaty arena as the whole floor took to the nutty dance.

If you're a Madness fan, it's a must see show.

And are you cool? Live Review- The Maccabees

The Maccabees. Brixton Academy. Thursday 26th January 2012.


On Thursday night the Brixton Academy in South London was full of a sense of anticipation and intrigue, with the Maccabees taking to the stage to play a sell out show.

The support act Trailer Trash Tracys sadly failed to deliver with their warm-up billing, and only added to the anticipation for the main act. A terrible sound came wailing from the speakers, and whatever the band could hear on stage certainly wasn't the same sound which the audience were subjected to. With such a poor warm up show it only increased the excitement for the five-piece indie rock band.

For the Maccabees, the new album, Given to the Wild, could be viewed as a change of direction; particularly following the jaunty indie angle of their first two records. Given to the Wild has been critically acclaimed, and lauded as their best work by some.

Opening with Child, you can tell why their new work has been highly praised. The spotlights; symmetrically positioned upon the band, almost force your eye to zoom in on the brilliant guitar work being carried out by the four guitarists Hugo and Felix White, Orlando Weeks and Rupert Jarvis. The lights might also be a subconscious effort to focus on the lyrics; some amazing words throughout.

The show was generally a mix of old and new tracks alike, as of course with any huge show, they have to strike a balance between both. Certainly, by throwing in classics from their first album "Colour it in" such as Lego, and the awesome Precious Time you knew that this show had been carefully created to span their back catalogue.

Personally, I was most interested to hear how the new album sounded and the bass heavy Forever I've Known was a highlight. Ayla was also magnificent, with Sam Doyle's fantastic drums also hitting the spot for me and the swaying crowd.

Ultimately, it is songs like Can You Give It, X-Ray and First Love which remind you why the Maccabees will sell out a venue like the Brixton Academy. I don't think there was a single person in the arena who wasn't static during the performance of those three wonderful songs.

A nod must go to Orlando Weeks, the lead singer, whose vocal style live is a joy to listen to. During Child and Feel to Follow, his vocals were superb. Not overly confident, the band's rise from support act to headline act has not affected them one bit.

If I was being further analytical about the show, then as a fan it was a shame I didn't get to hear Latchmere live. Their song about a South London Leisure Centre was my first introduction to these nigh on six years ago. Alas I wasn't too disappointed. There were some surprises. William Powers, an almost hidden track on their second album Wall of Arms; was quite wonderful to hear.

Finishing with We Grew Up at Midnight, with it's stellar ending, the audience were left baying for more. It was a wholly brilliant performance and will go in my gig memories under the category "epic". The sound was fantastic. I certainly shall return to see the Maccabees again.

Do you hear that, the Maccabees? I'll see you when you're older; when we're older.