Acceptance

There are several things that I worry about.

I worry about the fact that I don't have a Mum anymore and how that will affect me in the future.

I worry about the fact that I still can't accept myself for who I am.

I worry that I'll never find someone who will love me and accept me for who I am.

I worry that I have become too reclusive.

I worry about the fact that I don't have that many friends.

I worry about not having enough friends.

I worry about my Sister.

I worry about my Dad.

I worry about my Nan and Grandad.

I worry about my Nan.

I worry about my job and how secure it is.

I worry about whether I am in the right job and whether I'll be stuck doing the same thing forever and a day.

I worry that people might think I'm weird.

Grief

Am I over the loss of my Mum?

No.

However, I have accepted what has happened. It was awful. It took a long time to accept that. Now though, Mum's gone. She won't be returning. For a good while I was waiting for her return. I would imagine what it would be like to see her face again, talk with her, hug her, laugh with her. I would stare out of the window looking to see if her car would turn up. I would sit in rooms where she used to sit and hear her laughter echoing in my memories. I would go to where her ashes were scattered and talk to a tree stump. My tears fell like water at the Niagara Falls when I heard her favourite records.

Moving on was never going to happen. "Move on!" the rest of my family cried. "Come on Rich, what are you doing with your life?" "Are you just going to sit and mope about?" "Your Mum wouldn't want you to do this."

I remember my Mum; telling me that if *I* passed away she would be beside herself and wouldn't know what to do. My Mum told me she'd find it difficult to live on, if I went. I feel a bit like that myself. I can't move on; I don't really want to.

You see, when a person you love dies, it shocks you beyond all realms of recognition. Everybody has to die someday. Yet, in our heads and in our ideal version of how our life is going to pan out; we envisage ourselves to die old. So when someone passes away and they're relatively young; we are consumed by grief that the person is no longer there; and also anger and sadness that the person was taken so soon.

This is very much how I feel about my Mum. In my ideal version of how life was going to pan out, of course I thought that I would outlive my Mum. I expected that to happen. I just didn't think it would be so soon. The sad thing is that I only knew her for twenty two years.

It is a times like this following a loss, where you suddenly realise that your life is completely different to those around you. Your life is determined by the events that happen to you and your loved ones. With everyone being different, everyone has a different outlook on the world around them. Yet, your world crumbles and falls apart, while others carry on.

This has been the hardest part. I have become even more introverted, shy and reserved following Mum's loss. I lost all my confidence and my self consciousness returned with a vengeance; I fell into a depressive mood. I now rarely attend parties. I have lost touch with old friends. I deleted my Facebook account because I didn't want to see photographs of people I knew having a good time, or indeed, people having fun. How dare they, when I was feeling completely rubbish? This turmoil in my mind has run so very deep.

Grief has been so overpowering that it has strained my heart. I have ached so much, that I haven't been able to share it elsewhere with another person. I also haven't been able to create my own relationships because of my shattered confidence in myself and my loss of direction. I haven't made a new friend in years.

The only people I really love are my closest family and friends. There aren't many of them, but I care very much for them. You see, I have never been in love. I find it difficult to open up and love new people. Through what has happened I have been left wondering if I ever will experience love.

I do find it really difficult to love myself. I wish I didn't feel so upset about my Mum's loss, but it does begin to take over; like snow in the corners of you window on a Wintry day. I don't know how I will eventually get over it. My emotions are all over the place. I'm not going to let someone into my life for the sake of it. If I am going to try and start a relationship of any kind, they have to be really really good, and they have to understand the above. However, you can't really explain the above on a first date, can you?

And that's it. I'm scared of committing myself into any form of relationship; because at times I am completely overwhelmed by sadness and grief; which wouldn't be fair on anyone. I can't love anyone else at the moment.

Three and a half years on, and I'm still missing her. She was a superstar.

I love you Mum.