I'm not the best at conveying my emotions and I tend to be quite reserved in my opinions. One of my Twitter pals encouraged me to "chuck out my chintz"; so that's what I'm doing.
My Mum. She's in my head, my heart and my soul, but she's just not there any more. In front of me. I feel empty without her. This feeling of emptiness and numbness has been explained to me as grief.
I am a Mummy's Boy you see. I was so fond of her ways and loved her to bits. We got on like a house of fire and really she was my best friend. We still lived together under the same roof when she passed so I saw her every day for 22 years before she took to the skies.
The moment those curtains closed at the funeral, I was at a loss. She was no longer a name in my birthday card, and there was suddenly an empty place at the dinner table. Her mobile number in my mobile phone book was redundant (I called it plenty of times after, just to hear her voice on the Answer Message). Our house phone stopped ringing. My Dad, Sis and I realised that the only people who rang the house phone wanted to speak to our Mum. Letters continued to hit our doormat addressed to Mrs Fox. When the Funeral was over, and you try to resume normal life, is when the loss and the grief hits you most.
This is the hurdle I've found most tricky. Life has a massive Mum shaped hole in it. When I finish work there's one less person to ask me how my day has gone. She always seemed interested in what I had to say, so I used to tell her all my secrets. I bottle them all up now.
Since she's gone I've massively lost my confidence, and now I don't say boo to a goose. I want to emulate my Mum's 'joie de vivre' but at times I'm still a little jaded and low. I hope that I can get a bit of good news from somewhere which will boost my self-esteem.
I still live at home with Dad and Sis but our house feels different now. Its a shrine to my Mum; her pictures and mementos are everywhere. I don't know if this is any good for me to see these day in and day out.
Before my Mum got ill I was seriously looking at moving out to my own place. When my Mum was diagnosed everything was paused. Now that the trauma is over and my Mum's in a better place I have pressed play again on my life, but currently life seems like its just creaking along. Its been eighteen months since she passed but it feels just like yesterday. I'm doing a lot of reminiscing about the past, but I don't know whether that's because I'm reminded all the time. I think I need to get on with that plan to move out.
I must point out that I do have good days too, and I'm relatively happy in general. Its just at certain times I feel at loss. I have been going to counselling sessions, and must admit that it helps as the woman who I talk to does not judge me at all.
She has pointed out that I should cry. I'm not really a crier, but I have cried a few times in the last eighteen months. At these sad moments I can't really turn to my friends and tell them how sad I feel, or at work, because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't do feelings with my Dad, and my Sister is often wrapped up away with her boyfriend. The only people who I can talk openly too is my lovely Nan and my Aunt (my Mum's sister), who I rarely see. So at times the only person I talk to is myself!
I see things which make me upset; even watching the lambs and sheep in the field was sad. The baby lamb was sheltered, safe and tucked in next to its Mummy, and I recognised that that was what I missed. I ended up crying at some sheep for goodness sake!
The Kate Bush song "Wow" also caught me unaware (one of Mum's favourite records) and I burst into tears the other week.
So, yes. That's my grief that I'm currently dealing with. I've probably said way too much however I felt I needed to write this down. In truth, the reason I've probably wrote this is because I've actually had a few days off over Easter with nothing to do. Keeping myself busy is good, but I think subconsciously I did keep myself busy on purpose to avoid thinking about the past.
If you read this and you can relate to what I've said, do get in touch. It would be nice to know if there are others who have felt or are feeling the same. Is it OK to cry at sheep?! I just hope at some point soon I can move on, things will get better, right?
Have a happy Easter, and make sure you speak to your loved ones during this time. Life is too short for squabbles and arguments; slow down and take stock of what's good in your life. The good I have learnt through what's happened is that I realise how much I love the people in my life and my family (past and present).
Rich. x
ps. I think I chucked out a lot of chintz here!
pps. You can probably tell I'm still talking to myself!
Rich
ReplyDeleteYour post made me cry. I know exactly what you mean and I was nodding all the way through it.
When my Mum died I was still living at home with my parents and youngest sister. My sister moved out straight away because she couldn't handle being in the house, partly because my Mum died at home and partly because, as you say, there are mementos and memories hidden in every corner.
Dad and I stayed at the house (it was our family home and had been since I was born) for about eighteen months and then we both agreed we just couldn't be there any longer so we put the house on the market. We moved about six months later and it was a relief. The house held so many happy memories but it also had bad ones and as you probably know, the good memories can hurt just as much as the bad. Dad and I felt it was time to close the door on that life chapter and we moved away.
I have since moved to Cambridge and Dad is on his own now in Oxford. Leaving the family home was the right thing to do; neither of us regret it. I haven't been back to the house and I don't intend to. I have a few of Mum's belongings and most importantly, my memories of her. I don't need the house.
If you feel like it's time for you to move on then you should do just that. This might sound a bit wrong and I'm not being horrible but moving to a house that had nothing to do with my Mum made life so much easier. I never want to forget her (and of course I won't) but being in a 'fresh' space made grieving and carrying on a lot easier.
As for songs, oh I cry at them all the time! For a while I couldn't listen to Queen (my Mum's favourite band) and I sobbed the first time I listened to a Queen CD (three years after she died) but now I listen to them often and it makes me feel closer to her.
I also understand about the funeral thing. Betwixt someone dying and the funeral is a time full of shock, tears and planning. As soon as those plans have been carried out you realise that's it. It's final. It's over. And then you start grieving.
Grief is a very strange thing. I just say go with it. If you want to cry, cry and if you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to be alone then that's just fine too. But writing about your feelings really helps, I find.
Rich - I know we've only recently 'met' via Twitter but know this - if you ever want to email me for a chat then please feel free to do so. I can honestly say I know *exactly* what you're going through.
My email address is laura (@) beadsbylaura.co.uk.
Things will get easier. I don't know if 'better' is the right word. Your life will never be the same again and you just learn to live without your Mum. You adjust. Time does NOT heal but it does soothe.
And yes, it is totally fine to cry at sheep or at flowers, birds, medical dramas, songs, smells, particular words and anything else that creeps up on you all of a sudden and makes you feel like you've been winded.
There. I've written you an essay and for that I apologise but I mean what I say. Get in touch if you ever want to.
Take care, Rich. Thinking of you.
Laura x
Rich, I am so glad you wrote this down. It is a relief to articulate what you feel. Like writing a list, it clears your head. You can look at it and you don't need to check your head all the time to see if you're still thinking everything as you should be! Am I making sense?
ReplyDeleteI have taken to writing out things that have been bottled up far too long and one of them was about bereavement as well. If you want to see them, the web address is www.acuteapplications.com/Jenny and the password is macnaraf
A lovely sentiment and beautifully conveyed. It never goes away but it does get easier. If not easier, well it changes its dynamic.
ReplyDeleteMy mums been gone 20 plus years, I was about your age, left at home with Dad. Sis was married with kids by then.
For me now, to remember mum, is always a good thought, gone are the memories of the pain she was in before she died.
Write about her, talk about her, cry. It all helps.
Rich,
ReplyDeleteYou are such an eloquent, thoughtful man; a complete testament to your beautiful mother. I haven't gone through what you have and can only imagine how you're feeling, but one of my greatest fears is the death of my dad. He is absolutely the one person in my life that if it all went horribly wrong, I know I could go to and he'd tell me it'd be alright and the world would be safe again. I know I am going to really struggle when he goes so I can only imagine how you feel.
One of my closest childhood friends lost his mum this year and at the funeral I had such a huge sadness for him. He wrote the most beautiful eulogy and as I watched him read it with such grace and strength I honestly went from seeing him as a boy to a man I love and respect. It sounds such a cliche but it is completely true. He didn't waiver at all and spoke with such an emphatic message it made me proud to be his friend.
I don't know you personally but through everything you write I can tell you've got the same integrity and today on your birthday I'm sure you'll remember your mum. This might make you a little sad but that's ok. Just remember, the last thing she would ever want for you is to be sad over your loss. It will get easier, you'll never replace the void of losing her, but time will make it easier to cover it up securely on most days.
I sincerely wish you the best of everything and thank you for writing, and in turn, allowing me to read your most personal thoughts.
Lots of love
V x