Moving On

I'm struggling with something. It's the ability to move on. I can't. Or at least I'm trying but it doesn't seem to be happening.

This year has been mediocre, but not brilliant. I'll remember 2011 as a year where I've meddled and muddled my way through to December, getting to grips with the overhaul of changes in my life. I've smiled and laughed and purposefully made myself busy this year so as to have things to think about. I would say at times I was burning the candle at both ends. Escapism through seeing friends, going to a live show, exercise, taking on a college course, music, football, or even reading a good book were a great way of de-cluttering my wandering thoughts this year.

It's the times when I'm not busy, and when I'm not pre-occupied, which are the hardest. I just feel a pang, an ache, and knot in my stomach and that is my grief.

You see, my Mum passed away in October 2009. For the whole of that year I was at her bedside or was racing around to be beside her bedside in various hospitals while she was really poorly. She was diagnosed with stomach Cancer in February 2009 and seeing and being a real part of her sudden deterioration is a memory that will haunt and hurt me forever more.



I didn't really feel the grief of my Mum's loss until Spring this year. Up until that point I was numb and unable to communicate how I felt. Grief just hit me, when I realised I wouldn't see her again. I really desperately wanted to. I cried my eyes out good and proper.

This has occurred a lot more times throughout this past year. I don't share my feelings with many people, and I've realised that not many people actually truly know me. The one person who did know me, has now passed. I have to share my feelings with others in order for people to understand me better.

Counselling helped me massively. Before then I didn't talk about myself to anyone. I worried a great deal and thought more about other people. I did think that other people's feelings were more important than mine. I was lost. I have realised I have to put myself first. After all, I won't move on otherwise.

Alas, recently a new development has began to make me upset. My Dad found a new woman about six months ago on a dating website, and they've fallen head over heels in love with each other. It's the best thing that could have happened to Dad, but it has been like a knife to heart for me. I still live at home, and find their relationship increasingly awkward. They're really close. Unsettlingly close. Whenever his new love has visited to stay, I have wanted to run away and hide. In fact, I have done just that. She stayed the whole weekend a couple of times, and I've stayed at my Nan's house on both occasions. I have ran away, because that way I don't have to deal with it. I just can't see them together, or be in the same room as them, because it breaks my heart.

My Mum and Dad were close as a couple, and happily married since 1984. It was such a wonderful marriage; and we all knew how much they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Our family (Mum, Dad, Sis, myself) were the tightest knit quartet since the Beatles. So in losing Mum it shattered us all, especially my Dad. He really had some gloomy days, and we realised how much he couldn't be alone. He had to have company, and more specifically, a woman in his life. I just wish it was still with Mum.

I didn't meet Dad's new love until a month into their relationship. They were holding hands the first time I saw them. I looked away. I just couldn't take it. I feigned a nice "hello" and "how are you?" but I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.

It was as if Dad was betraying Mum. Of course I knew in my mind not to be so silly, but I couldn't help those crazy thoughts.

A week later, we had dinner as a foursome (Dad, Sis, her and myself) and at the table she sat in the seat opposite me, in front of the most beautiful picture on the Wall of my Mum. She was effectively blocking my view of Mum, and she was also sat in her seat. That mental image hurt so much, my belly twisted in knots and I couldn't eat the food.

They're just too close, but I've got to be happy for Dad's sake. This is my strife because I can't at the moment. He is a fantastic man, and he deserves happiness, but I just feel this relationship is so soon and sudden after the loss. But of course, it's not my life or my relationship. She is such a lovely woman too, but when I see her it's as if there's a veil of Mum across her that is blinkering my view. I know she is not replacing Mum, but it darn near feels like it currently.

I suppose the real truth is I am still living like my Mum will walk in through the door one day and everything will be OK. I am carrying on like that, and really want that last sentence to happen. It won't of course. Two weeks ago was Mum's birthday, and I wrote her a card, crying my eyes out in the process. I also wrote an Anniversary Card too recently, putting it on the kitchen side and subtly hinting to my Dad of how I felt about things. I don't do feelings with my Dad. It felt OK to write these cards, and I felt much better afterwards.

My Nan, my Aunt and my little Sister are the three people I can confide in at the moment, and all have told me to be confident and brave. I'm really going to have to. My friends, work colleagues and my football mates are great, but I won't talk much about what I've said above with them, because they're my distraction from the above, if that make sense. This also harks back to the point about keeping myself busy; which is, if I'm honest totally on purpose.

This Christmas, like the previous two, will again be tough and unnatural without Mum. She has played such a big role in my life how can I forget her? I am going to surround myself with family on the two Christmassy days, but her missing personality; her being the life and soul of the party will again twist my belly in knots.

My Aunty (Mum's elder Sister) is hosting us for dinner on Christmas Day, so the tough and unnatural loss feelings will be the same for her and her family. At the table we will probably even set a plate and raise a glass in Mum's honour. A huge Aunty hug on Christmas Day will be the perfect present for me.

Move on? I'm doing my best. I really am. I smile lots, and hope that my smiles are returned because cheerfulness and being upbeat is my way of dealing with loss. Sometimes I might not be so smiley, and that's when the above thoughts and feelings tend to be felt.

Grief Street is a longer, more arduous road than I expected, and this year it suddenly became quite hilly. Going into the New Year, I hope there's an easier downhill section soon. Will there be?

Finally to Mum, if you're reading this; ultimately this year I realised how much I darn well loved you. Merry Christmas. xxx

Albums of the Year 2011

Here's four new albums that I think have been pretty fantastic this year.

Metronomy- English Riviera
As I may have discussed in an earlier blog entry, Metronomy really rocked the boat this year with this album. From start to finish a true jaunty masterpiece; I find it difficult to explain without actually playing. I picked up this album in the shop almost by accident, but it became a real favourite. Tracks like Some Written and Corinne are unbeatable.

Everything Everything- Man Alive
OK, not strictly 2011, but this was out in late 2010 and was playing in my car well into the early echelons of this year. I think this might be my "most played album but still haven't got the foggiest idea of what they're singing about" award. I have learnt all the lyrics to Schoolin' and to Final Form; two highlights on a masterpiece of a debut album.

Feist- Metals
Didn't know this album that well, until I saw Leslie Feist live. When I saw her the tracks on this album danced to life. Graveyard will send shivers up your spine, and How Come You Never Go There is such an adorable record. Also, towards the end there's a hidden gem in the beautiful chords of Anti-Pioneer.

Elbow- Build a Rocket Boys
Just simply a cracking album. The opener The Birds is quite simply stunning. With many highs and lows it waltzes along and enthuses the listener to stay with it. Ending with tracks such as Open Arms and Dear Friends is the cherry on the icing.

All the above albums have been rotating in my car for the past twelve months. I now have placed them carefully away to preserve their goodness. Alas, I will never know the correct lyrics to Qwerty Finger by Everything Everything.

Here's to more musical goodness in 2012.

One Better Day- Madness.

Arlington House
Address no fixed abode
An old man in a three-piece suite
Sits in the road
He stares across the water
And sees right through the lock
But on and up like outstretched hands
His mumbled words, his fumbled words

Further down there's a photo booth
A million plastic bags
And an old woman filling out
A million baggage tags
But when she get thrown out
Three bags at a time
She spies the old chap in the road
To share her bags with, she has bags of time

Surrounded by his past
On a short white line
He sits while cars pass
Either side
Takes his time
Trying to remember
One better day
A while ago when people stopped
To hear him say

Walking 'round you sometimes
Hear the sunshine
Beating down in time with the
Rhythm of your shoes

Now she has walked
Enough through rainy town
She rests her back against his
And sits down
She's trying to remember
One better day
Awhile ago when people stopped
To hear her say

Walking 'round you sometimes
Hear the sunshine
Beating down in time with the
Rhythm of your shoes

Walking 'round you sometimes
Hear the sunshine
Beating down in time with the
Rhythm of your shoes

The feeling of arriving
When you've nothing left to lose

Arctic Monkeys

The 02 Arena, packed to the rafters! I should know, as I was sat next to a rafter, (not Pat!) and one of God's best mates. We were that high up!

The boom when theey hit that first note...wow! The crowd standing miles below moved and swayed instantly, and this gig was a-rocking!

They played a range of tracks across their four albums, everything from Still Take You Home through to Brick by Brick. What struck me was how heavy the sound was. This is the Arctic Monkeys at their highest point, their zenith. This was a privilege to see them.

They chose their set carefully, but Brianstorm followed by I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor was too much for everyone. Even us, suffering from severe vertigo next to the bats on the roof were bopping about while looking down on the four piece.

Alex Turner had a stance, and swayed backwards and forwards. His demeanour suggested that he was happy to be playing such a venue, and you could tell they were all on top form. The drums were just excellent. This was so powerful, and mighty.

A great show.

(written in 10 minutes).

Alphabet Story!

Anna Aardvark announced an amazing afternoon activity. Brilliantly beaming, Barnaby Bear baked bread. Carefully, cut. Delicious delights. Everyone enjoyed eating. Fantastically full, friends flounced flat fully. Good golly! How hungry?!"

Immediately in jumped Koala Kathryn! "Look, mmmm, nom nom nom, OOH!" Opening, playing, pressing paws, rummaging, scoffing, savouring, she took time tucking 'to the tasty treats! "umm- vanished!" wailed 'xcitedly! "Yahoo!" yawned zonked and amazed Anna Aardvark. Barnaby Bear could dare eat further food. "Gone! Hurrah!"

1982 story

Now follows a little short story containing the song titles of every number one single from 1982. Hope you enjoy!








The following songs are contained below!

Renee and Renato. Save Your Love.
The Jam. Beat Surrender.
Eddy Grant. I Dont Wanna Dance.
Culture Club. Do You Really Want To Hurt Me
Musical Youth. Pass The Dutchie.
Survivor. Eye Of The Tiger.
Dexys Midnight Runners. Come On Eileen.
Irene Cara. Fame.
Captain Sensible. Happy Talk.
Charlene. I’ve Never Been To Me.
Adam Ant. Goody Two Shoes.
Madness. House Of Fun.
Nicole. A Little Peace.
Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder. Ebony and Ivory
Bucks Fizz. My Camera Never Lies.
The Goombay Dance Band. Seven Tears.
Tight Fit. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
The Jam. A Town Called Malice.
Kraftwerk. The Model.
Shakin Stevens. Oh Julie.
Bucks Fizz. Land Of Make Believe.

The party was in full swing. It was a real house of fun, love and laughter. There was much happy talk between guests, and plenty of people were discussing how beautiful the day was and were getting to know each other. The new husband and wife, Jim and Julie were pleased with the results. They had been apart the whole night, entertaining various guests and mingling amongst the crowd. Jim sidled up to his wife; "...how have you found today darl? We've been here since seven. Tears of joy have been shed over past memories, have you enjoyed yourself?"

Julie answered, "It's been a fabulous night darling. I've enjoyed it so much.". They had managed to scrimp through the past six months, and put all their money aside to make this wedding happen. Oh how they did save. "Your Love means everything to me, Jim", she finally blurted out, making Jim blush in front of the other guests, including Julie's sister Liesa, who winked at Julie.

"Oh shush!" said Jim, secretly delighted.

In the Wedding Hall at the mansion house there were about fifty guests, of old friends and family and there were new faces too. One face stood out from the crowd. He was a young man, with no need to be down, and had travelled up for the day from his base in London Town. Called Mali (certainly that was his nickname) he was a tall and broad fellow, and he'd been standing at the bar all evening, with eyes switching left and right. You could argue that he had the eye of the tiger, as he surveyed the scene. He stood coolly, sipping his drink.

As the music changed pace it cut into the opening bars of Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?". There was a slight change in atmosphere and a little peace. Jim realised that this would be a good opportunity for photos. He approached his shy Sister in law, Liesa to ask her a question. Suddenly he exclaimed "Oh no I forgot to book the man to take pictures with my camera" "Never!!" Liesa replied.

Julie eavesdropped, and spoke up. "Relax! Remember we booked an official photographer! You see that man over there....." Liesa looked around, and looked directly in the eyes of Mali, who immediately looked back. He softened his gaze as they made eye contact. Time stood still, and the moment of eye contant lingered. Liesa and Mali stood motionless while all other drifted along to the disco atmosphere, tunes and the endless beat. Surrendered to each other's glances, they slowly took their time to take in all aspects of each other's face.

Mali noticed her fine cheekbones and delicious eyes, and was in awe of her beauty. Liesa admired his features, then spread her vision further, and judged him to be strong as an ox, capable of living where the lion sleeps. "Tonight", Liesa thought to herself, "I will get to know that man a little better".

Cutting in, Julie brought them both back from their trip to the land of make believe. They immediately cut sort their gazes, and terminated their little staring session.

".....If you see that tall Dutchman over there, Mali? Well, next to him on the bar is a camera". Julie knew what she was intending for her Sister. "If you pass the Dutch..." (ie. making her come into close proximity with) "...man you'll see that's his camera. Ask him to pop over" Liesa wriggled uncomfortably.

She knew this was a big moment for her. "Mali often takes portrait photos, maybe he could shoot you; you're very photogenic. You should ask him what he thinks of you; you could be the Model for him! He's come up especially from London to shoot this Reception party. Ask him for a dance! I dare you!"

Liesa's eyes danced between Julie and Mali. "Oh, Julie, but what if he says "I don't wanna dance"?" worried Liesa. "Well, you'll just have to ask him! You have to be brave!" offered Julie in reply. At that precise moment she put one foot forward the music changed, and now there was some lovely piano chords tinkling away; ebony and ivory making the room instantly sway.

Jim grabbed Julie by the arm, and whirled her around. "Ooh, goody!" Two shoes left the floor as Julie was picked up by her husband. "I love you" she cried as she was whirled around and onto the dancefloor. This was their song, a track they both loved and adored and it enabled them to become one. "I leaned over backwards to get you as my Wife, Julie." He whispered as they swayed, all faces but two on them in the room. Julie beamed.

At the back of the Hall the two faces looked at each other again, Liesa shuffled over to the bar, nervously. "Hi Mali" were the only words she could muster. "Hi there" was the retort from Mali. He seemed cool to Liesa. "I hear you're the photographer, and you're from Holland?" she asked Mali, tentatively. "Yes, I am" said Mali.

Liesa responded, "I've never been". "To me you are fantastic!" interrupted Mali.

"You should visit Holland one day. You look like a filmstar", Mali crudely added. The awkwardness and the breathlessness of his reply made Liesa smile. She instantly relaxed.

"Oh, really!" Liesa reacted; fishing for more compliments. "I'd never want the fame. I'm shy enough approaching a gorgeous man at a Wedding Reception, how would I feel if I was on camera?"

They both giggled. Mali beamed and looked on at the married couple sashaying across the dancefloor. "I'd love to have a day like this myself one day" Mali whispered. Liesa's nodded, "so would I" said Liesa, wrinkling her nose.

"Fancy a dance?".

Metronomy- Royal Albert Hall Live

I'm not sure why I am such a fan of Metronomy. There's a secret ingredient there that makes their music completely absorbing and exciting; it's possible Colonel Sanders is involved.

You cannot help but move to the music; my Sister and I tried to describe which genre they fit into. "Plinky plonky electronic uplifting and happy dance rock indie" is possibly the only category it does. There's a certain uniqueness which makes them stand out, and dance along.

Now, I'm talking from a biased standpoint. When their most recent album "The English Riviera" came out earlier this year, I purchased it (completely on a whim following a recommendation) and played it every day for a month constantly. It wasn't even my first choice album to buy; I went in the record shop intially to buy a Kate Bush record (which funnily enough I've hardly played).

On Monday night this week, I got to see the band live for the first time. This show was at the Royal Albert Hall, a huge circular venue with an awesome surround sound. This is a band who has been on the periphery of the music world, (and still is) taking on one of the most famous venues there are. I know several people have gone "who?!" whenever I mention them. And I always struggle to come up with a definitive answer; hence the "plinky plonky electronic uplifting and happy dance rock indie" description!

A quartet of instrumentalists; including the pan-pipes, the flute and a fella looking like he was playing the "balsa wood" opened proceedings. I saw many heads turn to one another questioning what on earth ws going on! They subsequently left the stage after two tracks, to a slightly baffled audience. When the real four piece band actually walked on, the crowd were on the edge of their seats. I always say that anticipation of act is one of the best things in live shows, there's always a hubbub and buzz before the arrival. The unusual and intriguing quartet made the wait for Metronomy even better.

The main act arrived with little fuss, although the set did seem a little bizarre to begin with; then I realised why; everyone was sat down! Now, you cannot sit down at a Metronomy gig, so with a bit of Dutch Courage I decided to stand; right in the middle of the crowd in row 8 of the stalls. Fortunately as soon as I did; during the kicking beat of the third track in the set, "She Wants", so did everyone else.

The sound was so interesting and with addictive bassline riffs, organ hooks and with Anna Prior's drumbeats it enraptured the audience. Metronomy is a light show too, each band member illuminated by a bright bulb on their chest. This rather adds to the effect of the music, and I noticed the lights moved in time with the chords. They did go back in time with earlier tracks such as "My Heart Rate Rapid" and "You Could Easily Have Me"; two tracks that seemed so out of place and wrong for the Royal Albert Hall, but equally absolutely compelling.

I would say that I did think the four piece are a little stretched with their resources throughout the show. It appeared that they possibly needed a couple of backing singers, because lead singer Joseph Mount and bassist Gbenga Adelekan seemed so overworked vocally during some of the more intricate tracks, especially during Corinne.

However, you have to give them credit for rocking the 'Hall throughout. I don't think I had two feet on the floor at the same time. "A Thing For You" and "Heartbreaker" were expertly done live, and I was completely lost in the rhythm. Crowd favourite "The Look" was played with Oscar Cash arriving onto stage on a wheeled platform playing the organ, and it was executed splendidly. Finishing off their set with the gloriously uplifting "Some Written", with its repetitive ditty, the crowd bayed for more.

They returned with the encore of "Everything Goes My Way", and "Radio Ladio" which I have had as an earworm ever since. If you play Radio Ladio, you cannot help but move along- I dare you try it!

It was everything I had hoped for as a gig, and as I left the venue I was on a musical high. The endorphin rush I had after this show was unlike any other.

I highly recommend them; if I was a Doctor I'd prescribe a daily dose of Metronomy to make you feel good. Go and see them live!