Favourite songs with my footnotes *presses play*

Good day.

Here are twenty four songs that I absolutely love. Twenty four, because I turn twenty four this Wednesday. I've made sure there is a different artist for each song; that was really tricky to choose. This is a very rough draft, but the notes after each song are the first thoughts that pop into my head when it starts playing!

*presses play on favourites playlist*

Mother and Child Reunion- Paul Simon
I first heard this song when I was tiny, but only realised it's meaning after my Mum passed. I think I've said enough there for you to understand how much of a wonderful thing this song means to me. So upbeat and euphoric.

Return of the Las Palmas 7- Madness

A joyous instrumental, which rises and falls tremendously.

I am a Madness-a-holic, and have been since day one. This one is a more obscure track, but still wonderfully crafted. One of my favourite instrumental pieces of music; when the curtains close on my life I want this song to be played. Could have picked a dozen Madness tracks though.

A Message to You Rudy- Dandy Livingstone

Just reminds me of happy times. I only knew of the Specials version for a long time; then discovered the original. The tempo and beat in this is just sublime, I can listen to it over and over.

Kingdom of Rust- Doves

A wide of the mark choice, but Doves are one of the most highly underrated bands ever. Such poignant records, with great understanding and feeling. This song came out around the time of my Mum's passing, hence why I adore this tune so much.

54-46 That's my Number- Toots and the Maytals

Oh, well of course. This is reggae at it's finest. It is just the happiest song in the world. "Give it to me one time!! Give it to me, two times!!" I adore the record, and have been known to bounce along to it.

This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)- Talking Heads
When I first heard this record it washed over me, but with all Talking Heads it grew and grew. Such fabulous words in this record. Can't help but sway and move.

Golden Brown- Stranglers

Possibly a song that would be in everyone's top 24? Wonderful track, the subject matter we need not discuss. The crafted tune, oh yes! One of my Dad's favourites too. Reminds me of him.

It's my Life- Talk Talk
A track that for some reason strikes a chord with me. The video perhaps? Also, No Doubt (featuring Gwen Stefani, featuring later!) did a cover version, but like all I grew to love the original.

Once Around the Block- Badly Drawn Boy

I'm not sure why I like Badly. I just really do; I have all his records. This track is one of his finest, and is a fine little ditty.

Love and Affection- Joan Armatrading

"I'm not in love, but I'm open to persuasion!" a line that rings so true for me! I love Joan, this song with the backing vocals, the acoustic guitar and the bass is just so amazing. "...give me love-oh ooohhh!"

My Moon My Man- Feist

Just here simply because I love her voice. This song is one of my favourites of hers.

Cool for Cats-Squeeze

One of the first songs that I really really liked. It was on an old Top of the Pops compilation tape that I watched when I was little. I just remembered the lyrics and it's possibly the only song I'd be able to do on karaoke! Also, the way it funkily ends is again, magnificent. I love it!

The Harder They Come- Jimmy Cliff

I only knew of this track because of the cover version by Madness. Then, like Rudy and It's my Life, I heard the original. Just inspiring lyrics; a fine record.

Geno- Dexy's Midnight Runners

It's just very ska, very danceable and very very good. I'm sure you're unable to wail "whoah Geno!!" during this. A tribute to Geno Washington.

First Love- The Maccabees (actually torn between this and Latchmere, can you blame me!)

Reminds me so much of my teenage years. I love how delicate this song is, and also how indie and awkward it almost sounds too. It is quite awesome. "Are you cooooooool?" I nearly picked Latchmere and could have gone for Can You Give It, too. However, this was the first song I heard by the Maccabees and I still dance around like a lunatic when I hear it.

Hedonism (Just because you feel Good)- Skunk Anansie

There is atmosphere in this track and you can hear the different layers. There is an awesome bass, and an excellent chorus. It's a bitter song, "I wonder what you're doing now? I hope you're feeling happy now." It sounds almost sarcastic. Skin, singing, has such a wonderful voice. "Does laughter still discover you?" an intriguing lyric.

Farewell to the Fairground- White Lies

Of all the new(ish) bands, these are my favourite. Drums, an epic chorus, epic guitars and just proper rock. I saw these live and they blew me away!

Time- Pink Floyd

What can I say? I shan't say anything. This track speaks for itself.

Loneliness of the Tower Crane Driver- Elbow

This song is just so perfect. The chords, the lyrics, the rise and fall is just fantastic. Hairs always stand up when I hear this song, and it never tires. Wonderful live.

Pass it On- Coral

A track that means a lot to me. My Mum told me she thought of me when she heard this record, and now subsequently I think of her. Jingly jangly, and quite a quaint little ditty; it just is perfect. Just too short perhaps!

No One Knows- Queens of the Stone Age

Oh yes! You go from the quaint and quiet to the awesome epicness of this. I remember this track so well. It reminds me of being fourteen and without a clue of what the world would hold for me. I still don't.

Someday- The Strokes

This was when I had a rock phase. 'Is this It' was one of the first albums that I ever brought with my own money. This song is track five and it just lights up your radio player.

Don't Speak- No Doubt

I have to pick this record. I love Gwen Stefani, and thinking about it, she may well have been my first crush! This song is such a fab tune. Can't really say more than that!

House of the Rising Sun- The Animals

It's a track you forget about from time to time, because it is such a classic. But, my oh my, this is top class. Listen to this, at full pelt, in your car, in the bath, in your bedroom and you will be filled with joy. Eric Burdon's voice rattles along here, and I think that is what gives it such a definite edge. Also, the organ solo is the greatest ever organ solo that I can think of. Footstomper!

*presses stop*

Those are twenty four. If ever I end up on a desert island I want those tracks to be sent with an indefinite battery on a MP3 in a bottle to me. And some headphones or a loudyspeakery thing, but then I'd need mains power.

I digress! I must admit I could easily replace those with another twenty four!

Hope you enjoyed!

The sheep were cheering me on...

I think I should tell you a bit more about my training that I'm doing. (Warning: this may be a boring blog entry so I'm trying to make it sound really exciting!).

I've been given a training program to adhere to in order to improve my fitness, strength and conditioning in agreement with the England coaches at football. So, from time to time, I like to do something that is a bit different from the normal 5 a side!

On Tuesday evening I went hill running on a hill near Ivinghoe Beacon on the Beds/Bucks/Herts border. I've read articles online about how hill running can improve your speed and stamina in sport and I honestly believe that it does.

The hill (pictured) is as steep as it looks. It is like the travelator in Gladiators except fortunately the grass doesn't run towards you. By the way, I'm not wearing the Gladiators get-up (blue/red vest, helmet, mouth protector) while I'm doing this- just shorts, T-shirt, football socks and a good pair of trainers. The only thing that can injure me is the pesky rabbit warrens that are all over the side of the hill.

There is something inspiring in running up a hill too, its like you're the King of the Hill! It is also completely exhausting. You sprint to

the top, then walk back down, then sprint the top again! Its as simple as that! It up to you how many times you want to do it.

Also, there was absolutely no one about last night. I was running up and down the hill and the only eyes on me were the sheep in the farmers field. They were cheering me on.

I have another trick to pulling myself up the hill. As I'm listening to my iPod while running, I wait until there's a good bit in a song that I like. For example I waited forever until I started sprinting up the hill to the crescendo in The Chain by Fleetwood Mac! Sprinting up to a chorus or a guitar solo is the only way I can get to the top.

Quite appropriately "Road to Nowhere" by Talking Heads started playing, as did "Running Up that Hill" by Kate Bush. Perfect songs for the environment I was in.

The strange thing is, after you've sprinted up a hill a dozen times, then try and do more sprints, you just find it so difficult. My legs were like lead weights at the end.

I can move this morning, but muscles that you don't really use when running flat have been worked, like my gluteus maximus! (aka my bum muscles!). Also, I hope that I will be faster when sprinting on flat football pitches!

I was on the side of the hill for about an hour and fifteen minutes. The sheep did get bored (I could tell as they stopped clapping after a few runs), so I was so grateful to my iPod after a while to inspire me to sprint more!

Did I also tell you that its a fantastic way to get away from it all? I'd had a busy day at work, and that session was completely fantastic to forget about everything. There was also beautiful scenery and animals aplenty (hold on a second- I'm turning into Julie Andrews!)

I think I'd better leave it there! I'll post more training updates soon...

I don't want to go home.

I just don't want to go home.

You see, it's feeling less and less like home. I feel like an intruder to as place that I don't recognise any more. Home, the family home, isn't where I want to be any more. I can't wait to escape, and fly the nest.

It'll happen soon, but it can't happens soon enough.

My family has changed. Really changed. I can't recognise the family any more. The memories of my Mum are driving me mad. I'm almost claustophobic with grief when I go home. I feel her presence. She's there at all times, yet I turn around and she's not there.

There's a new person at home. Someone who I don't recognise, someone who I don't particularly like, someone who is just differnt from the last person. I don't want to do the same things as we did before.

I can't move on.

We're supposed to be having a barbecue at the weekend. Dad, my Sis, my Sis's boyfriend and Dad's girlfriend. I don't wish to attend. I won't attend. Yet, it is my home. The place where I'll be welcome to join and eat. I want to be as far away as possible from the joviality. This isn't normal behaviour is it?

I need to start again. A new place, a new me. It'll be worth it won't it?

For the time being, I'll continue avoiding any sort of family occasion.

Suggs live

I went to see Suggs on Sunday evening at the Milton Keynes Theatre. The lead singer of Madness (real name Graham McPherson) was performing a one man show in front of a half packed arena in Buckinghamshire.

Now, usually Suggsy is backed by six other members of the 80s band; but on this occasion he was backed solely by a pianist on a Grand Piano. This show was all about Suggs and the story of Madness. For any Madness fan, this was a must see. McPherson, wearing a smart grey suit, stood and talked about the rise and fall of the band and his life; he looked like he really enjoyed the night. He did occasionally forget his lines, but this was where he treated us to the One Step Beyond style dance while he got his composure back (akin to the famous album cover stance, right).

The thing that amazed me most was Suggsy's manner in which he addressed the audience and his ability to fill the stage entirely. He was always trying to keep moving, and of course your eye followed him. The audience were hanging onto every word that he said; and I was enraptured. I've heard stories of how Madness got together; but not from the lead singer of the band before. As a fan this was a real privilege.

It was a unique take on his life, how he tries to find his missing father, and without giving too much away, at times it was quite sentimental and emotional. There are various amusing anecdotes, like how the band fooled The Clash into thinking they were policemen, or the story about Madness causing a minor earthquake at their 1992 reunion. It is littered with stories and funny tales how the seven members of the band took on the world. Some stories are mad, (not Madness without a funny story!) and showcase how crazy it may have been in those days.

I must add it is interesting to note how Suggs quickly brushes over the unhappy times in his life. The final years of Madness post keyboardist Mike Barson's departure were only documented by a few words in this show.

It isn't Suggs without songs, and of course he delved into the back catalogue, singing stripped down versions of Baggy Trousers, Shut Up and It Must Be Love. There was also room for Lola and Cecilia, plus a wonderful take on See You Later Alligator (he did sing a version of this on the highly underrated film Take It Or Leave It). The songs were interspersed throughout the show, usually referencing what he was talking about.

A slight criticism from me would be that there wasn't enough songs. I would love to see him try a live version of a forgotten classic like Yesterday's Men or One Better Day with just a piano; as those tracks don't fit in Madness' live sets these days.

However with just the piano to accompany him, the tracks that you do get are quite something to take in. Usually at a Madness gig I'm usually bopping away, so to sit and relax and revel in the joy that these songs bring is absolutely fantastic.

I left the theatre thinking how much I actually idolised Suggs (and Madness) and how much of an impact they have had on me throughout my life. This is a top show, from a top man. Then again, I might be biased. Go and see it!

So I'm there

So I'm there, charging around with a juggernaut brow. The whole day I've been rushing, what can be the perfect antidote for a relaxed evening's entertainment?

That's right, Elbow. On entering the 02 Arena you can feel the anticipation. You're met by the dangling lights and pictures of the five piece band behind the stage. There is not a centimetre of available floor space that I can see. Seated and with my neck craned slightly to the left in the lower tier (Row V), I am with my Old Man and my L'il Sis. The demographic is mixed, old and young alike are fans, "Everyone's here".

Magically the band leaves the pictures and enters the stage to rapturous applause. They kick off with Birds, the first song on the new album, and with a fabulous walking beat throughout that has you hooked. Even my Dad (who only knows the hits!) is tapping along. The sound is superb.

We are truly off and running, Lippy Kids is marvellous. "We shouldn't be afraid of our young, we should nurture them" states Garvey as an intro, almost as if delivering a sermon. Typically, the audience cheers!

The Bones of You instantly reminds me of my Mum, so I'm holding back tears as Guy swoons through the lyrics, some are so poignant and close to home that often you are transfixed on Guy's stance, especially during the slower tracks like Mirrorball. He rocks backward and forward like a darts player, delivering the words.

A special nod must go to Garvey's crowd interaction. He is so warm towards the audience, and you can tell he absolutely revels in it. He constantly shifts his position and must have shaken every hand surrounding the smaller stage. Guy thanked Block 142 Row U for their support, the furthest people away in the venue. A standing ovation for them from the crowd followed. Also, his relationship with the other members means that you almost want to be in Elbow. I've never been to a concert where the band treats themselves to a half-time gig cocktail either.

Great Expectations, Grounds For Divorce and the beautiful Tower Crane Driver step the gig up into overdrive. My Sis turns and nods at me knowing this is our favourite Elbow song. I have goosebumps as Guy wails "Send up a prayer in my name.." with the terrific key change.

They do the intimate songs well. This is a massive arena, but they still manage to pull it off. The Night Will Always Win, with the four band members huddled over four keyboards and Guy singing is so haunting. You contrast that to the smashing, jangling Neat Little Rows and you'd be forgiven if you thought a different band had walked on stage. My Dad tapped along as a vast rate of knots for that one! They bow out once with Open Arms, then the inevitable encore One Day Like This concludes the show. A glorious finale.

That sums Elbow up for me, just like the body part it's just out of reach to actually define. Some of their songs are anthemic, some are joyous, some are melancholy, some you can join in with, some are slightly odd, some are beautiful. What is certainly true is that all songs are highly addictive.

Then again, I might be slightly biased!

Show some emotion

So yes, I'm, er.. how can I put this without sounding all too sad? I'm missing my Mum.

I'm not the best at conveying my emotions and I tend to be quite reserved in my opinions. One of my Twitter pals encouraged me to "chuck out my chintz"; so that's what I'm doing.

My Mum. She's in my head, my heart and my soul, but she's just not there any more. In front of me. I feel empty without her. This feeling of emptiness and numbness has been explained to me as grief.

I am a Mummy's Boy you see. I was so fond of her ways and loved her to bits. We got on like a house of fire and really she was my best friend. We still lived together under the same roof when she passed so I saw her every day for 22 years before she took to the skies.

The moment those curtains closed at the funeral, I was at a loss. She was no longer a name in my birthday card, and there was suddenly an empty place at the dinner table. Her mobile number in my mobile phone book was redundant (I called it plenty of times after, just to hear her voice on the Answer Message). Our house phone stopped ringing. My Dad, Sis and I realised that the only people who rang the house phone wanted to speak to our Mum. Letters continued to hit our doormat addressed to Mrs Fox. When the Funeral was over, and you try to resume normal life, is when the loss and the grief hits you most.

This is the hurdle I've found most tricky. Life has a massive Mum shaped hole in it. When I finish work there's one less person to ask me how my day has gone. She always seemed interested in what I had to say, so I used to tell her all my secrets. I bottle them all up now.

Since she's gone I've massively lost my confidence, and now I don't say boo to a goose. I want to emulate my Mum's 'joie de vivre' but at times I'm still a little jaded and low. I hope that I can get a bit of good news from somewhere which will boost my self-esteem.

I still live at home with Dad and Sis but our house feels different now. Its a shrine to my Mum; her pictures and mementos are everywhere. I don't know if this is any good for me to see these day in and day out.

Before my Mum got ill I was seriously looking at moving out to my own place. When my Mum was diagnosed everything was paused. Now that the trauma is over and my Mum's in a better place I have pressed play again on my life, but currently life seems like its just creaking along. Its been eighteen months since she passed but it feels just like yesterday. I'm doing a lot of reminiscing about the past, but I don't know whether that's because I'm reminded all the time. I think I need to get on with that plan to move out.

I must point out that I do have good days too, and I'm relatively happy in general. Its just at certain times I feel at loss. I have been going to counselling sessions, and must admit that it helps as the woman who I talk to does not judge me at all.

She has pointed out that I should cry. I'm not really a crier, but I have cried a few times in the last eighteen months. At these sad moments I can't really turn to my friends and tell them how sad I feel, or at work, because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't do feelings with my Dad, and my Sister is often wrapped up away with her boyfriend. The only people who I can talk openly too is my lovely Nan and my Aunt (my Mum's sister), who I rarely see. So at times the only person I talk to is myself!

I see things which make me upset; even watching the lambs and sheep in the field was sad. The baby lamb was sheltered, safe and tucked in next to its Mummy, and I recognised that that was what I missed. I ended up crying at some sheep for goodness sake!

The Kate Bush song "Wow" also caught me unaware (one of Mum's favourite records) and I burst into tears the other week.

So, yes. That's my grief that I'm currently dealing with. I've probably said way too much however I felt I needed to write this down. In truth, the reason I've probably wrote this is because I've actually had a few days off over Easter with nothing to do. Keeping myself busy is good, but I think subconsciously I did keep myself busy on purpose to avoid thinking about the past.

If you read this and you can relate to what I've said, do get in touch. It would be nice to know if there are others who have felt or are feeling the same. Is it OK to cry at sheep?! I just hope at some point soon I can move on, things will get better, right?

Have a happy Easter, and make sure you speak to your loved ones during this time. Life is too short for squabbles and arguments; slow down and take stock of what's good in your life. The good I have learnt through what's happened is that I realise how much I love the people in my life and my family (past and present).

Rich. x

ps. I think I chucked out a lot of chintz here!

pps. You can probably tell I'm still talking to myself!

Talking

Good evening,

I am going to write about talking. Something which I am not that good at. I'm more of a listener. I can talk, but most of the time it is just waffle I'm afraid.

See, I reckon there is a technique to talking. The technique is to slow down. I've tried it, and it helps massively. That millisecond that you do slow will allow you the shortest fusion in your brain, so that your mouth knows what to say next.

I am getting better. At school around about ten years ago I didn't really speak. Something happened when I went from Primary to Secondary and I completely lost all my confidence in speaking. I remember we had to present on stage something to the rest of the class. I was so nervous, and so awkward. I can't think why. I'm sure it was just nerves so that I didn't make a fool out of myself. I remember all eyes dawning upon me, and I was a goner.

Thing is, I've learned to deal with that now. I've presented things at work to many people, everyone from a class of 9 years old's to Gordon Brown! I didn't get that nervous then. I suppose it was due to my hormones being in a juxtaposed state.

Those teenage years were spent mainly on mute. I only grunted, or made quick comments, something which enabled me to become "Wittiest Person of the Year" in the sixth form awards. I must have been doing something right. I actually remember my English teacher Miss N (not going to say her name) turning to the person next to her and whispering "How has he won that?" Yes Miss, I did hear you. I just didn't speak up in class much.

Really though, I'm happy. I've managed to keep playing football at a fantastic level, and the next two years of my life could be my finest yet. All I've got to do is speak coherantly and slowly and then everyone will understand me.

If it don't work I'll still be around, just listening in on your conversation!

Comprende?