I can't tie my shoelaces

How does your disability affect you?



This is a question that I'm asked often whenever I need to fill out a form for something, after I've 'not-wanted-to-but-had-to' admit on the form that "yes I do have a disability". I wish I could fit the following answer into the box on each occasion.

In simple terms my right arm and hand doesn't act like it should. My right hand is almost permanently fixed in a closed ball like manner, because I don't have the necessary brain signals for me to tell my fingers to open up fully and relax. I can't wiggle my fingers or my toes on my right foot. I'm really limited to my use of my right hand. I do everything with my left. I dare say, you probably wouldn't even notice I had an issue with my arm if you met me, but I tend to spend a lot of my time trying to make it not noticeable. The name for this is right sided hemiplegia, a mild form of cerebral palsy.

OK, it is a bit of a shame that I'll never be an excellent pianist. I may have been, certainly, as musicality runs in the family. I'd love to be able to learn to play an instrument but it looks like I'm only restricted to the Harmonica or maybe the Kazoo.

I've never had the dexterity to complete two handed tasks. I did have weekly physiotherapy sessions when I was little, and as much as they may have helped, I can't help thinking back that I hated them. Giving a list of repetitive exercises to a boy of six, seven, eight is not good. Football was definitely my only enjoyable outlet, but that's another story.

Another thing is that I can't tie my shoelaces. At school I had elastic laces in my shoes, but they were curly and I didn't want to be the boy with the weird laces. There's always a stigma attached to not tying laces. When you were at school, you were considered stupid if you couldn't tie your shoes. I physically couldn't do them. Yet, I always felt embarrassed. Even to this day, I still feel silly having to ask someone to tie my laces. I suppose, even at the age I am now, that I've just got to accept that I'll never have the functionality to do them.

Yet, here's the thing that I cannot understand, even though I am the person most directly affected. If I think about relaxing my arm, quite the opposite happens. I tense up. The muscles in my arm tighten when I least want them to.

Think about a boxer fighting in the ring. Just before he goes to throw a punch he tenses and contracts the muscles in his whole arm. Now imagine that spasm, as an involuntary movement around a hundred times a day, including at bed time.

I don't have any control over this; the length of the spasm or when it will occur; all I know is that my next spell of arm-tightening is just around the corner. And I'm really not a fan of having my arm tense up randomly like this. I am used to the effect, but at times, it drives me completely crazy. This reaction kind of cramps my style a bit!

I tense more when I'm stressed or nervous. At my last interview for my current employer, I was so aware of my arm being tight. To myself I was saying to my right arm, "relax, relax", whilst answering the questions of the man opposite at the same time. It was multi-tasking at it's finest and I was so suprised I got the job! I wish I didn't have to do that though.

I do try and hide my disability, and unless you asked me to tie your own shoelaces(!) or you went to shake my hand, you wouldn't notice. Once, I sat on a train opposite a woman, who did happen to notice my arm and constantly kept staring at my hand. I could feel her eyes on me, and the more she looked, the more my hand went into a ball and tightened up. The whole experience of being scrutinised was horrid, and I nearly had a panic attack on the train. It happens in really busy places too. I hardly ever have my hands resting in my lap, because I'm just so self-aware.

I just thought I'd write this to see if there are others in a similar situation. How a function of the brain that is hidden and unseen can affect someone. Certainly, my disability has shaped who I am. Because of the reasons above I'm not one to draw attention to myself, and I suppose my quiet, happy nature is from not wishing to be the centre of attention.

I have been to various doctors and physiotherapists across the land throughout the years to see if there is a cure, or to see if I can get my hand and arm to be relaxed at all times. I have had botox injections to try and stop the spasm contractions, but they are only short term and they didn't really work. I am not going to try drugs like Baclofen, because I don't want to slow down the rest of my body. Is there anything else that I can do to stop unwanted and random contractions in arm muscles? Or, is there anything I can do to change the thought processes in my brain?

I know I shouldn't feel so embarrassed at not being able to tie my own shoelaces or self-conscious on packed trains, but I do. And that's my final point. Even though I'd publicly admit how my disability affects me physically; privately I'd admit that it probably affects me more mentally.

Feist Live- Royal Albert Hall

On Sunday evening Feist performed to a packed and intrigued crowd at the Royal Albert Hall.

After three fine albums of material behind her, this was Feist in a perfect setting to showcase her talents. Leslie Feist, guitar in hand, flanked by her band, and the beautiful trio of singers Mountain Man; played effortlessly and confidently within such a venue.

She knew her audience, and she knew how to play to such an arena. The edginess of some of the tracks were a joy. Highlights included the disturbingly good A Commotion; the haunting Graveyard and the delightfully delicate Anti-Pioneer.

The thing about a Feist show is that one track differs so much from the next. You have the rockier, drum heavy numbers like Bad in Each Other, to the singalong numbers like Mushaboom. All in all, the show rises and falls, much like the audience. During some tracks the crowd are on their feet; during the more subdued tracks all are seated.

A nod must go to My Moon My Man; with the opening notes on an organ, to best track of the night. So Sorry, also with an unusual introduction via audience participation was also beautifully executed.

M Ward provided support for the evening, and played with Feist on a Jesus and Mary Chain cover during the first encore. Mountain Man also delivered a solo track during the set; and must now have done enough to warrant a fan base of their own.

On leaving the stage Feist then performed the title song from her debut album, Let It Die (the other debut album song in the set being Mushaboom). Inviting fans up onto the stage to dance; it was an opportunity not to be missed.

















So, there I was. One of about fifty people, dancing on the Royal Albert Hall stage with Feist to Let It Die. It was quite something!

We were hoarded off prompty after the song, before encore number two, and the effortless Limit to Your Love. This was followed by the wonderful solo finale, Intuition.

Certainly, this felt like Feist playing in a front room. She kept it so tight and not a note went spare. Those intrigued viewers who entered the Arena, would not have been disappointed by this showing. Seeing Leslie Feist play live is highly recommended viewing.

Female Singer Songwriters Playlist

Here is a playlist containing my favourite female singer songwriters. There are some brilliantly talented women in this playlist. I've bookended this with Armatrading and Vega; like the Pillars of Rock; they are the Pillars of Female Singer Songwriters. It is not an exhaustive list by any means. If I've missed any, that you think should be included; then let me know!

You'll find the 18 track Youtube playlist here:


1)Joan Armatrading- Down to Zero

2)Laura Marling- My Manic and I

3)Sarah Blasko- All I Want

4)Feist- My Moon my Man

5)Florence and the Machine- My Boy Builds Coffins

6)Charlotte Hatherley- Bastardo

7)Lykke Li- Breaking It Up

8)PJ Harvey- Down by the Water

9)Joan as a Policewoman- The Ride

10)Lisa Hannigan- What'll I Do

11)Keren Ann- Sailor and Widow

12)Rose Elinor Dougall- Carry On

13)Rae Morris- Day One

14)Joanna Newsom- Good Intentions Paving Company

15)Bat For Lashes- Prescilla

16)St Vincent- Marrow

17)Suzanne Vega- Marlene on the Wall

St Vincent- Live at the Shepherd's Bush Empire

On Monday night, St Vincent took to the stage to rapturous applause at a packed out Shepherd's Bush Empire in London.

St Vincent is Annie Clark; quite possibly the most gorgeous woman in rock and roll presently. In the live show she is backed by two keyboard and synthesiser players and a drummer. It seems her bandmates are almost cast aside, because the stage is centred all around Clark and her constant wranglings with her own electric guitar.

The set begins with three tracks from her latest album Strange Mercy; tracks from the album are peppered throughout the set. It seems as if Annie Clark is wanting and waiting to be unleashed. She has an edge to her, that makes her whole performance incredibly intriguing. During the intricate guitar riff of Chloe in the Afternoon for example; it is almost as if there is a monster about to escape Annie, as she twitches and snaps across the stage to play the chords.

She then delved into her back catalogue to play tracks from her previous albums. Actor out of Work and the simply beautiful, enchanting yet disconcerting Black Rainbow going down extremely well in the enraptured Arena. The audience were an attentive, head-nodding mixture of old and young. Certainly the appeal of St Vincent seems universal; albeit tonight it was only in this small corner of West London for ninety minutes.

Awesome renditions of Cruel and Marrow; plus an amazing cover of the Pop Group's She is Beyond Good and Evil confirmed the fact that St Vincent; dressed strikingly all in black, rocked. Clark returned to encore with the quite stunning and haunting, The Party. And then with her final track, she left us in no doubt that this was a ten out of ten rock and roll show.

The lyrics, guitar and synthesiser all sound so angrily energetic in Your Lips Are Red; and it appeared that the volcano had finally erupted. She went for it. For a good couple of minutes, Annie Clark had left the stage and dived into the crowd for a short lie down.

There was something particularly terrifying about St Vincent for the duration of her performance at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. It is the edginess and uniqueness of each song, which is definitely her appeal. Her performance is incredibly watchable. This was St Vincent unleashed, live, powerful, scary and wholly captivating; and it was darn good.

One Step Behind

Saturday night I was in attendance at the Horn, in St Albans to see One Step Behind; a tribute of definitely the best band on Earth. All right; I'm biased!

Having grown up listening to Madness, it's no coincidence that I know every single word of every song. So, on Saturday night, in a small back room with excellent sound there I was doing exactly the same thing as I always do. One Step Behind were musicallly cracking; and played each number perfectly.

Madness leave out a whole period of their back catalogue when playing live (the time following Mike Barson's departure in 1984) but One Step Behind choose to play songs from that era; including the hugely underrated One Better Day, and the fantastically off-beat Uncle Sam. For a fan; this is a gig that fills great expectations. The lead singer is spot on with the vocals; and the Suggs mannerisms.

A nod must go to the saxophonist, who was perfect with his delivery. They split the show into two parts; and concluded inevitably with Night Boat to Cairo; causing much chaos in the sweaty arena as the whole floor took to the nutty dance.

If you're a Madness fan, it's a must see show.

And are you cool? Live Review- The Maccabees

The Maccabees. Brixton Academy. Thursday 26th January 2012.


On Thursday night the Brixton Academy in South London was full of a sense of anticipation and intrigue, with the Maccabees taking to the stage to play a sell out show.

The support act Trailer Trash Tracys sadly failed to deliver with their warm-up billing, and only added to the anticipation for the main act. A terrible sound came wailing from the speakers, and whatever the band could hear on stage certainly wasn't the same sound which the audience were subjected to. With such a poor warm up show it only increased the excitement for the five-piece indie rock band.

For the Maccabees, the new album, Given to the Wild, could be viewed as a change of direction; particularly following the jaunty indie angle of their first two records. Given to the Wild has been critically acclaimed, and lauded as their best work by some.

Opening with Child, you can tell why their new work has been highly praised. The spotlights; symmetrically positioned upon the band, almost force your eye to zoom in on the brilliant guitar work being carried out by the four guitarists Hugo and Felix White, Orlando Weeks and Rupert Jarvis. The lights might also be a subconscious effort to focus on the lyrics; some amazing words throughout.

The show was generally a mix of old and new tracks alike, as of course with any huge show, they have to strike a balance between both. Certainly, by throwing in classics from their first album "Colour it in" such as Lego, and the awesome Precious Time you knew that this show had been carefully created to span their back catalogue.

Personally, I was most interested to hear how the new album sounded and the bass heavy Forever I've Known was a highlight. Ayla was also magnificent, with Sam Doyle's fantastic drums also hitting the spot for me and the swaying crowd.

Ultimately, it is songs like Can You Give It, X-Ray and First Love which remind you why the Maccabees will sell out a venue like the Brixton Academy. I don't think there was a single person in the arena who wasn't static during the performance of those three wonderful songs.

A nod must go to Orlando Weeks, the lead singer, whose vocal style live is a joy to listen to. During Child and Feel to Follow, his vocals were superb. Not overly confident, the band's rise from support act to headline act has not affected them one bit.

If I was being further analytical about the show, then as a fan it was a shame I didn't get to hear Latchmere live. Their song about a South London Leisure Centre was my first introduction to these nigh on six years ago. Alas I wasn't too disappointed. There were some surprises. William Powers, an almost hidden track on their second album Wall of Arms; was quite wonderful to hear.

Finishing with We Grew Up at Midnight, with it's stellar ending, the audience were left baying for more. It was a wholly brilliant performance and will go in my gig memories under the category "epic". The sound was fantastic. I certainly shall return to see the Maccabees again.

Do you hear that, the Maccabees? I'll see you when you're older; when we're older.

Moving On

I'm struggling with something. It's the ability to move on. I can't. Or at least I'm trying but it doesn't seem to be happening.

This year has been mediocre, but not brilliant. I'll remember 2011 as a year where I've meddled and muddled my way through to December, getting to grips with the overhaul of changes in my life. I've smiled and laughed and purposefully made myself busy this year so as to have things to think about. I would say at times I was burning the candle at both ends. Escapism through seeing friends, going to a live show, exercise, taking on a college course, music, football, or even reading a good book were a great way of de-cluttering my wandering thoughts this year.

It's the times when I'm not busy, and when I'm not pre-occupied, which are the hardest. I just feel a pang, an ache, and knot in my stomach and that is my grief.

You see, my Mum passed away in October 2009. For the whole of that year I was at her bedside or was racing around to be beside her bedside in various hospitals while she was really poorly. She was diagnosed with stomach Cancer in February 2009 and seeing and being a real part of her sudden deterioration is a memory that will haunt and hurt me forever more.



I didn't really feel the grief of my Mum's loss until Spring this year. Up until that point I was numb and unable to communicate how I felt. Grief just hit me, when I realised I wouldn't see her again. I really desperately wanted to. I cried my eyes out good and proper.

This has occurred a lot more times throughout this past year. I don't share my feelings with many people, and I've realised that not many people actually truly know me. The one person who did know me, has now passed. I have to share my feelings with others in order for people to understand me better.

Counselling helped me massively. Before then I didn't talk about myself to anyone. I worried a great deal and thought more about other people. I did think that other people's feelings were more important than mine. I was lost. I have realised I have to put myself first. After all, I won't move on otherwise.

Alas, recently a new development has began to make me upset. My Dad found a new woman about six months ago on a dating website, and they've fallen head over heels in love with each other. It's the best thing that could have happened to Dad, but it has been like a knife to heart for me. I still live at home, and find their relationship increasingly awkward. They're really close. Unsettlingly close. Whenever his new love has visited to stay, I have wanted to run away and hide. In fact, I have done just that. She stayed the whole weekend a couple of times, and I've stayed at my Nan's house on both occasions. I have ran away, because that way I don't have to deal with it. I just can't see them together, or be in the same room as them, because it breaks my heart.

My Mum and Dad were close as a couple, and happily married since 1984. It was such a wonderful marriage; and we all knew how much they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Our family (Mum, Dad, Sis, myself) were the tightest knit quartet since the Beatles. So in losing Mum it shattered us all, especially my Dad. He really had some gloomy days, and we realised how much he couldn't be alone. He had to have company, and more specifically, a woman in his life. I just wish it was still with Mum.

I didn't meet Dad's new love until a month into their relationship. They were holding hands the first time I saw them. I looked away. I just couldn't take it. I feigned a nice "hello" and "how are you?" but I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.

It was as if Dad was betraying Mum. Of course I knew in my mind not to be so silly, but I couldn't help those crazy thoughts.

A week later, we had dinner as a foursome (Dad, Sis, her and myself) and at the table she sat in the seat opposite me, in front of the most beautiful picture on the Wall of my Mum. She was effectively blocking my view of Mum, and she was also sat in her seat. That mental image hurt so much, my belly twisted in knots and I couldn't eat the food.

They're just too close, but I've got to be happy for Dad's sake. This is my strife because I can't at the moment. He is a fantastic man, and he deserves happiness, but I just feel this relationship is so soon and sudden after the loss. But of course, it's not my life or my relationship. She is such a lovely woman too, but when I see her it's as if there's a veil of Mum across her that is blinkering my view. I know she is not replacing Mum, but it darn near feels like it currently.

I suppose the real truth is I am still living like my Mum will walk in through the door one day and everything will be OK. I am carrying on like that, and really want that last sentence to happen. It won't of course. Two weeks ago was Mum's birthday, and I wrote her a card, crying my eyes out in the process. I also wrote an Anniversary Card too recently, putting it on the kitchen side and subtly hinting to my Dad of how I felt about things. I don't do feelings with my Dad. It felt OK to write these cards, and I felt much better afterwards.

My Nan, my Aunt and my little Sister are the three people I can confide in at the moment, and all have told me to be confident and brave. I'm really going to have to. My friends, work colleagues and my football mates are great, but I won't talk much about what I've said above with them, because they're my distraction from the above, if that make sense. This also harks back to the point about keeping myself busy; which is, if I'm honest totally on purpose.

This Christmas, like the previous two, will again be tough and unnatural without Mum. She has played such a big role in my life how can I forget her? I am going to surround myself with family on the two Christmassy days, but her missing personality; her being the life and soul of the party will again twist my belly in knots.

My Aunty (Mum's elder Sister) is hosting us for dinner on Christmas Day, so the tough and unnatural loss feelings will be the same for her and her family. At the table we will probably even set a plate and raise a glass in Mum's honour. A huge Aunty hug on Christmas Day will be the perfect present for me.

Move on? I'm doing my best. I really am. I smile lots, and hope that my smiles are returned because cheerfulness and being upbeat is my way of dealing with loss. Sometimes I might not be so smiley, and that's when the above thoughts and feelings tend to be felt.

Grief Street is a longer, more arduous road than I expected, and this year it suddenly became quite hilly. Going into the New Year, I hope there's an easier downhill section soon. Will there be?

Finally to Mum, if you're reading this; ultimately this year I realised how much I darn well loved you. Merry Christmas. xxx